


In Between

by reginanicolecky



Category: Korean Actor RPF, 역도요정 김복주 | Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok Joo, 치즈인더트랩 | Cheese in the Trap
Genre: Alternate Universe - After College/University, Alternate Universe - College/University, Depression, F/M, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Male-Female Friendship, Psychological Trauma, Romantic Friendship, Sibling Rivalry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-29
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:54:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 37,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22459090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reginanicolecky/pseuds/reginanicolecky
Summary: Park Sora, due to some circumstances left her life in Seoul and moved to Toronto 6 years ago without leaving much explanation to anyone. When she decided to come back, how many things in between years that would try to catch into the current her? Would everything that she left behind re-appear again due to the fact she was living with her two childhood friends?
Relationships: Lee Sung Kyung/Nam Joo Hyuk, Park Haejin / Park Sora | OC / Nam Joo Hyuk
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have not been writing for so long and this is my first attempt on going back into it. I decided to re-do this works because I like the complexity of the characters involved. Will appreciate any comments even a random one!

“Wow, Park Sora. Did you move your whole house to this apartment or what?”

The girl who was being called only rolled her eyes as an answer. Nam Joohyuk never had the gentlest tongue, but at least both of his hands were moving to help bringing most of the bigger boxes inside their new apartment. Her own hands were full of luggage and carrier, after all, she did bring many things and others were delivered on the same day of her arrival. Being an average 166 cm lady and barely scraping the healthy weight, moving houses wasn’t her favourite thing to do.

It was the first weekend of August, late summer in South Korea as the breeze refused to admit if fall was supposed to start soon. Her black hair was tied up in a messy bun. There was no way she would survive the heat if she let it stay untouched till it reached her butt as usual. Sora looked around the space in front of her eyes. The place was a mess, but soon they would try to call it home. At least the other two occupants already settled down from a week before.

The apartment was spacious for three people who admitted would be too busy to care much. Three separate bedrooms, two bathrooms, a living room which they packed with line and line of books, a small kitchen and a balcony. Anyone with a tiny bit of a sense of socialising would realise if the place was only slightly better than a bachelor pad.

It took them less than a month to settle the deposit of the place, choosing furniture and all other nasty lists, but they did it. Sora was the last to join the drill, after a random email of herself announcing her arrival, several video calls (completed with parental threats) to convince herself it would be okay. All arrangements were made through the phones and the willingness to part with their money reserve in exchange for convenience.

“You are also the same, that’s why you took the biggest room.”

“Park Haejin, high five!” Shouted Sora to the other tall guy who calmly answered her call to toss their hands together. She didn’t see the room herself, but the rumour said if Joohyuk’s room was the only one with a built-in wardrobe. Why did he need it? None of them bothered to ask.

Haejin entered the room with an easy walk which contradicted his long legs. His other hand was carrying a box full of books, again, hers. Dressed up with a matching cardigan and chino, the guy could calm the whole room filled with 20 above something women just by smiling.

"Jeeez... If you keep doing that, everyone will believe if you're her real siblings, rather than mine. Both of you even have the same family name!"

“It’s totally fine… He definitely can play the part as my real _ oppa _ and me as your  _ nuna _ .”

“YA! PARK SORA! I’m still older than you by 7 months and you are still a shortie. Did you even feed yourself in Canada?”

What else could she do rather than shaking her head several times while holding the laughter that was trying to escape? This was her first day in Seoul after so many years living in Toronto for her degree in psychology. Honestly saying, she never even thought of going back to this country until she got a contract for doing research in SungKyunKwan University to start her PhD. She was 24 and had a content life in a faraway country, but the chance was too good to be ignored.

Nam Joohyuk, the guy with the same age as her would start to continue his last year of bachelor in Film, TV and Multimedia major, trying so hard to pursue his dream as a movie director. Like every other proper Korean man, he just finished his 2-year military service, which apparently had failed to decrease his level of humour. A sore patch to poke too, since she could tease him as being her junior even though they started to go to college in the same year. Equipped with 188 cm height and a boyish look, the devil’s face was milking it for every penny possible. Considering he was one of the renowned models in the country, being handsome definitely paid the bills.

Park Haejin, the oldest of the lots by 7 years, moved in because he finally settled his law firm's new office in the Gangnam area, exactly 10 minutes’ walk from their current apartment. A cousin from Joohyuk’s mother's side and a neighbourhood  _ oppa _ for Sora. He was the reason why Sora agreed to stay in the same space with 2 other guys rather than bunked up in the dormitory room in the building full of strangers. His calm demeanour completed with the lean build of 1.85 m height would turn every riot into a damn lecture hall, only people usually forget if he was the one who started it.

Three of them shared the same childhood, the same history, though separated by so many circumstances during the last 6 years. They found each other like the safe haven due to their familiarity, or perhaps that was what they thought.

“Don’t you miss this view? Seoul and all its mess in between.”

Both Haejin and Joohyuk stood on each of her sides. Looking past the window to the park under another skyscraper. Only one put out the question, but Sora was sure the curiosity tickled all the same.

“Maybe. I was too busy to think about it.”

“Even once?”

Again… Sora offered a simple smile and a tug on her shoulder. Things once buried, and she had no problem keeping it that way.

***

_ It was dark and she hated every second of it. The clock ticked by, and without the need to check, Sora knew exactly what number would be showing. She hadn’t slept, she couldn’t, she wouldn’t. Through the windows, the girl could hear the drip of rain that started to fall and threatening to become bigger, making her small room felt even more confiscated. Around this hour her mom was supposed to call her to come out from the room, but strangely it wasn’t the case. It might be another trick to drag her outside, to force her going back to the place beyond her wall. _

_ They tried. _

_ Oh, how much did they try…. _

_ But she needed more time. _

_ Cold… but she decided to put other feet on the floor and force her balance to take control. Sora realized the last time she was standing without help was months ago. Taking several steps was too much of a burden for her body, but her stomach started to rumble and contrary to what everyone was saying, she wanted to live. _

_ She just didn’t know-how… _

_ “Eomma…” _

_ Drip…  _

_ Drip…  _

_ She thought it was the rain, though the first thing that she noticed was a half pair of red heels. _

_ Swing… _

_ Swing… _

_ Looking above through the muffled scream. _

“Park Sora. Did you have a bad dream?”

Startled by the question, Sora opened her eyes and blinked several times before she got used to the light. Her breath ragged, but soon it became calmer after a sleepy yet concerned face filled in her sight. It took everything in her to pretend. The play which embodied in her mind as soon as the awakeness crept in. Another warm body on her back also made her realise if the reality was far away from whatever things happened in her mind.

She wasn’t alone.

It was, after all, just another dream.

“Sorry I woke you up, Hyuk-ah.”

“It’s okay.” Another yawn escaped from the guy that started to close his eyes again, though insistently securing Sora’s palm on his own, “What time is it? Both of us need to go to campus today, right?”

An innocent action, almost baby-like at the mist of sleepiness. It wasn’t hard to prey out her fingers from the grasp, still, she did it with caution. Afraid that the small gesture might alarm unnecessary attention. Pretending to close her lips while yawning, then used both hands to cup her own face.

“6… We still can leave in another two hours or something. I will take shower first,” with that Sora forced her body to move and did some stretching. She supposed to remember no matter how tempting the idea of sleeping with other people was, the floor even carpeted wasn’t the right place to do it.

However, last night was a special case. Three of them took their time to catch up, watching movies together and finishing two whole bottles of champagne. True, they were exchanging pleasantries here and there during their separation, but nothing under the face value. She didn’t realise when she closed her eyes, and clearly, none of the guys thought it was necessary to wake her up and move to each of their personal rooms. After all, it wasn’t their first rodeo of sleeping together.

Though her barely woke up mind was trying to offer another argument. No matter how close they were during childhood, they grew up and weren’t as unthoughtful as before. Would a deeper kind of trust really establish? She would need to write down the theory which appeared after her own short observation. 

She trusted them at a certain level. Questioning it would probably knock out any progress that she ever did to herself.

“Will you make breakfast for us too?”

“Like I ever eat breakfast? You have those protein milk, might as well use it before it expires and to bulk up.”

“Sora-yah….”

“I will make the damn breakfast if you will let me sleep for another hour.” Another voice suddenly joined the conversation, “I need to check the new office, so I can even drop you both at university.”

Sora tried to stifle her laugh. Apparently, there was no one in this apartment that could be identified as a morning person. Another minute and the girl stood while gathering her hair into a messy bun. It would be a long day. Though before she truly left the room, she saw from the corner of her eyes that those two guys started to sober up, trying to outdo each other with an easy familiarity. 

Strange…. But before this, she never thought if she could smile straight after her memory decided to haunt her.


	2. Chapter 2

There was a saying that a female is judged by her beauty, while a male is judged by his money. Kim Haejin hadn’t been holding the patriarchy belief for such a long time, getting rid of the prejudice during his learning of the legal systems. However, such an image still holds true for a lot of people. In order to receive the chance of trust, sometimes he needed to play the part.

He had the persona of a successful alpha male. Ripe age on the peak of his career. A single guy with a class on his own and a manner which was purposefully designed to charm. Not that he didn’t have the basics, but Haejin understood which part that he should show the world, and which part to be displayed in private. Rubbing elbows with a lot of professionals only polished him further.

Even today, his oxford style shirt from Tommy Hilfiger spoke louder to elevate his presence. No one really knew if he had it for several years already and hadn’t upgraded his wardrobe for some time. Branded things looked impressive for those who didn’t really understand. For those who had money, the combination of casual vintage kept him under the image of subtly groomed yet settled.

Like it or not, it was in humans’ nature to put the first impression on the outer appearance. Would he use it to even the odds? Definitely. As long as it didn’t purposely put others in disadvantages, he didn’t have any problems with using himself. After all, it would be a waste of time to convince another image for people who purposely choose to misjudge him.

It wasn’t a stretch to say if he was good at his job. Even before he graduated, being a lawyer was his goal and he spent years climbing the ladder in his previous company as far as he could go. However, Haejin wanted something more than recognition. Something on his own. Working for other people restricted him on taking cases which he actually had an interest in.

The guy wasn’t cloaked by rose colour glasses either. As a lawyer, he knew once in a while he would end up being on the side of the bad guy. After all, the truth shifted depending on whose case he would take. A lawyer had the obligation to protect the one who paid. If he wanted to be a good person, he would be the judge or prosecutor, not a paid knowledgeable attorney.

But here he stood. This office was truly his. Four separate rooms for the lawyers, one meeting room, small pantry and the open space for the paralegals. Later, they could add up more separators if needed. Until then, this place was perfect. 

“How many other lawyers did you seduce from other firms? I know you said if we would start small, but the size of this office gives me hope.”

Lee Jongsuk. Haejin recognised the voice even before seeing the face. The only prosecutor turned lawyer. The adrenaline junkie who would be the gear that fills the gap in his new game because he would be able to see what the trained attorney missed. He would smile until the end, while the opponent didn’t realise if the dandy boy clearly had stolen the candies from the first minute.

They met during prep school. The crazy time, where everyone with a law degree was trying to get into somewhere through the bar exams. The younger guy was having his own belief to punish and catch the bad guys, realising many years later that while the law would always be black and white, people were the grey area.

“Other than you? Two others and two paralegals. We would cover private disputes, crimes and with you as a generalist, every case in between. Ah, and one psychologist.”

“Do we really need a psychologist? We could just give a referral like in any other practice.”

“It shortcuts the process and there would be better confidentiality.”

“Isn’t she a childhood friend? Are we playing favourites here,  _ sunbae _ ?”

“You will see.”

He would keep his arguments for the battle in the court, but everyone knew if he spoke louder with actions than words. Judgements were not something that he was afraid of. After all, he gave him freely -and as it was deemed necessary-, so why should he be concerned with others’?

Though there was another motive when he offered the younger girl such a position in his new kingdom. It was his excuse to keep an eye on her at least partially. There were questions which needed answers, but he had no reason to spell it out loud yet. So, he would be sneaky then tried to howl in the dark for clues.

***

_ ‘It’s more about treating the patient.’ _

_ ‘Prevention doesn’t mean that the problem itself can cease to exist.’ _

_ ‘People fall into depression every second, with every reason possible.’ _

_ ‘There are some cases where the victim wouldn’t be detected. Perhaps focusing on differentiating the scheme.’ _

Finally able to catch her breath, Sora collected all the papers that are written under her name. At the first briefing with her supervisor, her proposal was accepted a long time ago, but there was something pricking her sense. She had time to consider the whole theme before reconsidering her own hypothesis. At the moment, she could roam around the place where she would spend her time for some duration.

Joohyuk requested to have lunch together, but she was still unsure whether it would really happen or not. No matter how strong that guy's intention was, he was still a returning student. He was supposed to have his own group of friends that wished to spend time together in order to catch up.

She didn’t want to come to Haejin’s office yet. Soon enough, the law firm would offer her no choice but a fixed schedule to follow. Her childhood friend would be a great boss as he was a workaholic though rather appreciative of people's result than imposing the lifestyle but calling him one this early wasn’t in her best interest.

Perhaps, she rather checked on the list of classes that she might be able to take while doing her research here. Taking classes wasn’t really necessary in her case, but there would never be anything wrong with acquiring more knowledge. Considering other than some part-timing in Haejin’s office she hadn’t decided whether she would set her life as a clinical psychologist or a full-time researcher.

Or going back to Canada, her mind wandered on possibilities. It hadn’t been long, but the urging of running away started to appear on the bay. Funny that she couldn’t train her mind effectively even after these many years. Even after she got the damn degree.

“Park Sora?”

She turned her body by reflex, but she couldn’t figure out from where did she ever hear such a voice? A girl in front of her didn’t look much older than her, another student then? But…

“Who?”

“Choi Minhee! How many years has it been since the last time we met?”

Hearing the name, Sora realized why she couldn’t recall it on her own. The last time she even ever pronounced the name was around high school. The time which she buried deep inside and tried to pretend that it never even happened. A girl in front of her was maturing beyond recognition. It wasn’t simply the professionally layered hairstyle or the casual business outfit. It was the way Choi Minhee brought herself with the quiet confidence of knowing without forcing the world to see it.

It was funny how some memory decided to appear and a human had no protection against it.

“I saw your name on the new researcher board, so I just decided to check. It’s really you!”

Several kisses and hugs later, Sora found herself in front of a bunch of new people. Seems like Minhee was still exactly the same as her previous self. Someone who was kind enough to have people surrounding her. Someone that had someone that she knew in every corner. Someone that… did not like her.

They were close once. Sora liked to pretend that they would still be if they were not separated for that long and that far. After all, life had its own way to make the distance between people. It was never a good thing to wonder about ‘what if’, and she wouldn’t start on that. However, looking at how familiar yet not a person was somehow bothered her more than it was supposed to.

Name by name passed by and honestly, Sora barely remembered any of it. She was never really good at it, but at the moment, she was barely trying. She cracked a smile here and there as a polite gesture, no one really noticed if the smile never really reached the eyes. It clearly helped that other than Minhee, none of them from the same major anyway. But that was the truth in a group’s conversation like this, right? They got thrilled from explaining what’s on their mind and someone’s response was more like a complimentary.

“Your topic… Is it around depression? I know it’s a big thing in South Korea now, but really? I don’t think someone who has never been depressed like you could find anything during research.”

Sora stared at the girl that was just finishing her sentences. Five seconds passed and there was no follow up on the top of the comments. She couldn’t recall her name, but she surely didn’t like her tone. She stifled a smile as an answer rather than arguing. Not every battle needed to be a win over. Definitely not this one.

The prejudice ran deep and no matter what she said would be used against her. Admitting whether or not she had a medical receipt for the topic that she researched would just open another discussion which she didn’t want to go to. Volunteering information about herself to people who she didn’t know intimately would make her jittery.

“With your logic, so the only capable doctor is someone that ever gets cancer to treat a cancer patient, then. Wow….”

“Nam Joohyuk….” The name first fell from Sora’s lips then repeated by others. Note to herself, clearly, her housemate wasn’t some random college student without a track record on his own. 

“Hi! I can borrow her, right?”

Without waiting for any response, Sora felt her whole body being dragged into a different part of the canteen. She was barely waving her hand as a gesture of leaving the group and clearly saw a half hanging mouth of Minhee in between. Later, if the girl decided to keep her as a friend, there would be uncomfortable questions which she needed to prepare the answer for.

She wasn’t going to protest, but it wasn’t right either for Joohyuk to get offended on her behalf. Not even knowing what she was going through. She wasn’t going to let anyone fight her battle anymore. Though, Sora admitted that she wasn’t eager to jump into one, either.

“I’m not planning to kiss the floor anytime soon if you wish to know my opinion.” It was blunt but did the job. Joohyuk let go of their knitted hands then turned to face her directly.

“Sorry, was annoyed,” and within a single breath, the overly bright smile was back, “So, what would you like to eat? I recommend the pork cutlet curry.”

“Pass. I’m looking for something simple, is there any shop that sells good  _ tteokbokki _ ?”

“ _ Tteokbokki _ is not a fully nutritious meal for a lady in the middle of lunch.”

“Just get me one. You asked and I chose, end of the story,” she sounded more like asserting her position and half sure the guy in front of her would just refuse only to show his dominance.

“Alright, dove. Find a place to sit then.”

“Hyuk-ah.”

“Why? You looked like someone who was swallowing a sour pill.”

“I’m trying so hard not to swear right now, but you are so tempting.”

Sora still could hear the laugh that came out from Joohyuk even though the guy already put some distance between them. Swearing would feel really good, though swearing at him would seem problematic. Joohyuk didn’t possess the ability to feel offended by it and for some degree by her. Oh, she did try, reaching out deep into her memories sometimes, but the result was futile until this moment and though it’s been only days, she was tired of playing the game already.

Sora stopped letting her eyes follow the long legs once she made sure Joohyuk was really queuing and within minutes already drowned in her own phone. She didn’t start many things in South Korea yet, but the life which she left behind in Canada was reluctantly letting her go. Several emails to compose to settle her last job and even the investments which she still kept for the sake of keeping.

“How did you end up with those people?” started Joohyuk after finally putting down a tray full of food, “I never know if you could be so out of place in such crowd.”

“I know one of them, and before you start, it wasn’t her fault. She was just being nice.”

“Maybe I need to eat with you every day, so you won’t get stuck like that anymore.”

“Ha! And cutting down all the probability of me actually socialising with anyone other than you and Haejin oppa? No, thanks.”

The canteen at this hour was too crowded for her taste. No one approached her after seeing Joohyuk around, but she could feel some eyes judging. Despite her argument, she didn’t mind being alone. Sora just didn’t want to attract uninvited attention. Some people wouldn’t even try to see if her relationship with Joohyuk went beyond history rather than just skin-deep flirting.

“Don’t you realize if you change so much?”

Sora took her time to reply. Chewing the flour rice cake as long as she could before it became obvious that she was avoiding to answer. She did. It was obvious, but it wasn’t what Joohyuk tried to pry into.

“Don’t you yourself?”

“But you aren’t alone as before too.”

“The fact aside, you couldn’t expect me to have the same attitude as when I was seventeen.”

“Sora-yah, I know a lot of things happened before you left Korea years ago. But a lot of time has passed too. I understood your sudden change a few months before that. Now, could you maybe try?”

“I don’t want to talk about it. Moreover, for your reference, you choose a hell of a place to talk from heart to heart.”

“Well, it’s not only my concern, but I guess you would appreciate a head up before  _ hyung  _ and I corner you together.”

“Gee, thanks. But I’m fine, really. I’m just matured, same as you. I take that back, maybe not with your level but at least the same as anyone else.”

And it was one of the most miserable lies that ever came out from Sora’s tongue.

She was not fine.

She wasn’t… as she believed, the same as anyone else.

***

“You can try to ask one of the students’ representatives to explain the process to you.”

It took a lot for her to not roll her eyes over the answer. The lady who sat nicely on her chair had nothing else to do as far as she understood from the deserted library. She didn’t know whether she needed to bother to connect her bank card with the student’s card anymore if there was too much hustle to do it.

It wasn’t like she had no printer on her own, but as a precaution, Minhee told her to charge the card under her name which apparently could be used for almost anything in the university, to ease her life. Other than for canteen, most students usually used to keep the balance in the library for printing and buying books in an emergency.

Making a local bank account felt like too much work, but Sora started to see the wisdom within it. Apparently, not everyone understood how to connect her international visa card to anything Korean. 

“You are the new mentee of Professor Lee Youngae, right?”

Took her a moment, but Sora found out why the face was familiar. It was the guy who joined the crowd for a while and left even before Joohyuk’s commotion on the day. Long legs of a runner, with an approachable face. And yes, she couldn’t even remember how to call the guy, or even if they had been introduced to each other.

“Kim Youngkwang. I’m on my last stage for the PhD program and also the current research assistant of Professor Lee Youngae's newest project.”

And apparently he was attentive enough to notice that she didn’t catch his name the last time. An offer for a handshake, which Sora gladly took at the moment and released within seconds. His clothes were trendy but comfy. The type of sweater which could be used for the whole day without having any wrinkles afterwards.

“Park Sora.”

“I can help you with that.”

The card vanished from her fingers before Sora could refuse. Clearly, Youngkwang was the type of overly helpful student. At some point in her life, Sora would welcome the gift falling from the sky, at the other end she would probably run away. However, at the moment, she was able to control her urge better. A polite smile and a small distance, yet she followed the steps of the guy.

“You can download this app, and I will show you how to charge it manually through the machine in the library too.”

She tried to trace the steps explained and embodied it in her memory. Basically, Sora understood the process, but she wasn’t sure replicating it would be as simple. After all, she was dragged to see one machine into another and pressing too many buttons than she usually used to. Asking for another explanation was out of the question. Spending unnecessary time with other people wasn’t exactly on her to-do list today.

“Thank you.”

“Sure thing. If you have a problem with it again, just ask me to charge it for you and you can just pay me back.”

“Well, I hope I won't need to bother you like that,  _ sunbae _ .”

Clue. Clue.

A line. She started to draw one out of habit.

“Did you finally decide on the focus of your research topic?”

“It’s still here and there. My proposal was solid, but to get the primary data would be a bit harder, so I need to narrow it down.”

“The first year of the PhD program is important to set the right base. I noticed if the professor regards you quite highly. There is no rush there.”

Within 20 minutes, Sora was almost able to recite the main summary of Kim Youngkwang's basic personality. He was an easy book to read. There was quite a charm of someone who was easy going and unthreatening. Forming a friendship with such a guy wouldn’t be hard. Breaking it sadly would be a headache. She didn’t have a habit of kicking a puppy, so she wouldn’t start one for now.

“I know it is a bit fast, but if you are free this Saturday, would you mind going out with me for a date?”

“You know what? You are kinda right. It’s a bit too fast. I’m really thankful for this, though.” She tried to infuse as much polite refusal could be fitted in one sentence.

“Maybe next time then? You can ask around first to make sure I’m not a weird person,” the tone was light, but it was a serious reassurance. 

Sora would make sure there wouldn’t be the next time but held her tongue instead. What he didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him. Some blatant rejection might only lead to overthinking. She learnt that the hard way over the course of many years. It wasn’t him, it was her.

“Have a nice day, sunbae. Thank you once again for the card.”

***

“How was your first half day of work?”

Haejin asked the question first before proceeding to pretend to knock on the glass door. Sora arrived in the afternoon and then spent 5 hours straight of constantly reading all the active cases from one of the departments. She also met her first client. A long day, hence he thought it would be best for him to interfere in order to end the day.

“It could be... better,” answered Sora desperately.

“Didn’t fancy working for a corporation?”

“Oppa… Do you usually only get a lot of divorce cases?” It did not interest her whatsoever to hear how many things were going on behind a closed door between two people.

“More or less, the divorce department in the law firm is usually one of the busiest. I don’t really want to put you in the crime section for now. Why?”

“I’m a psychologist, but I’m not a specialist marriage counsellor. “

“Never expected you to be one. Isn’t that as a psychologist you are supposed to get couples as your patients too?”

“Technically yes, but here the purpose isn’t the same. They come to your company to file for divorce and from there you will get money. But I’m not supposed to encourage them, as a psychologist I suppose to figure out the reason, solve the problem, get more understanding, and perhaps nudge them towards happily ever after. You won’t like it if I conduct the session like that.”

Haejin laughed, strange but true, the sound had a calming effect on Sora’s panic attack. She felt like she was being thrown back into that little girl that admired an older neighbourhood brother-someone that looked capable of solving any problem. Though nausea came, a jerk knee reaction with a completely different reason.

“Again, never ask you to give them any solution or suggestion. Your job is to assess them and give out lawyers the probability whether they will really get a divorce or reconcile, so our lawyers can prepare a set of plans.”

It sounded inhuman, but then without putting her thoughts into words, Sora understood if lawyers were not supposed to get attached with their clients. So did she at some levels, but putting it into practice apparently was entirely different manner. For people like them, their own personal belief and life weren’t supposed to obstruct the clients’ decisions. 

A small gesture, Haejin kept scratching his nose and even after he caught himself, he realised the moment Sora tried to remember why the action bothered her so badly. Haejin knew if Sora would be able to recall it from the back of her mind. He did it a lot from the first memory of them being introduced to each other. A nervous gesture. By this time, Sora would also guess that the man sitting casually on her table wasn’t coming for a small chit-chat, there must be some serious topic burning inside it.

“Spill it out, oppa.”

Given a cue, Haejin put his hand on his pants pocket while staring directly into Sora eyes, “Joohyuk said that he was worried, and so do I now.”

Haejin could read the exact moment when Sora’s brain stimulated to find a way to kill Joohyuk. Haejin was a perceptive man, but he was usually too busy to notice small changes or annoyances. Most of the time, the guy has even ignored it until he admitted if the problem might be worth his attention after all. While Joohyuk, well… Joohyuk. Hopefully, Sora wouldn’t attack the fact that both of them were taking sweet time talking behind her back.

“Am I not looking fine for both of you?”

“You seem withdrawn from the world.”

“Compared to the little girl that you both remember, yes I am. But let me tell you again, I’m fine. Never thought I was portrayed as a party girl, anyway.”

“Sora-yah, you know what I mean.”

“No, that’s exactly what I don’t. I’m perfectly fine and the way both of you were acting is actually upsetting me. I will move out of the apartment if both of you keep doing this.”

A flinch. A controlled reaction from his part. That was her only warning to stop blowing up and the funny thing was that again, she noticed. Haejin understood that Sora didn’t fabricate the whole thing, she nevertheless understood from the first sign from the first sprout of anxiety that started to radiate from both brothers. They were worried about her, or perhaps just curious and would like to fill the gap years when they were not together. However, enough was enough.

It was his wish that the more the topic about her wellness came to the surface, the more she needed to stop and ask the question by herself. She was not ready for that. He could see it. She wasn’t ready to start questioning herself. There was no answer that she could produce yet. After all of these years, Haejin could see if Sora was functioning well, highly functioning, and she wasn’t planning to reveal beyond that, yet.

“Then would you start to talk about your mom?”

“I get it, this is your office and you are the boss. But for whatever holy reason, you, brothers could not find any better place and time to talk.”

“At home then?”

“No, not today. I’m not moving in so you both could baby me. It was just too scary to live in the dorm, but I’m starting to see the wisdom in it.”

“Well, you know where to find us, and you don’t have much luck to avoid us either.”

“Yeah, about that, I doubt it was my brightest moment of decision.”

“You knew that by being hostile, you would actually lose your ground. Maybe we need to practice in case I need to send you to the court.”

Haejin was the one who changed the topic and he saw how desperately Sora grabbed the chance even though it was quite a pathetic excuse. 

“You get into my nerve, oppa.”


	3. Chapter 3

It was her new beginning in some way, but Sora realized if she kept falling into the same old habit in this city. Woke up early and her life was packed with schedules. She spent more and more time with Minhee when that girl wasn’t in the crowd of people. Having someone who chatted a lot was a big help to leave unnoticed. She welcomed this small change, moreover during the time when she needed a small distraction.

Like a blessing, the library at this hour wasn’t that crowded. Sora and Minhee were able to secure a whole section of the table near the public computer. Sora loved their chosen table from first sight. A big window to show the pathway and park full of people. She could observe and felt like she was in one but never participated. Both of them were jumping around opening journal by journal to check the newest case that they received from the professor.

Some days were for procrastinating for some people, but she hated to have her mind wandered without being occupied with the presents. The more things she could crowd her mind with, the deeper she could bury memories which were not supposed to surface.

“Park Sora and Choi Minhee. Reviewing cases?”

Kim Youngkwang. These days, it was almost like a norm to see his face every time she hung around the campus. Somehow and always, he found her. Sora didn’t think if the senior was specifically looking for her - because it would be creepy-, but well, it wasn't rocket science either to figure out her library, canteen, office pattern. 

It took Minhee quite fast to reply and proceeded to chatter. As Sora suspected before, Minhee had a quite long term relationship with Kim Youngkwang. This person and that person, this part of their shared memories and some from others. She didn’t have any part in it and she was quite grateful to be left alone for a while.

“Are you preparing for the lectures material?” Sora asked out of obligation and spurted out the first thing that she noticed when the conversation died down. The class attendance on the top of all the files in Youngkwang’s hands was quite a big clue.

“Yes, the first-year bachelor in Social Psychology. Do you want to try sitting in it?”

“Sorry, sunbae. I need to leave for work soon.”

“Ah, are you practising clinical now?”

“Not exactly. I’m taking a break from that, so currently just advising in the law firm as an intern.”

“Next time then. Good luck with the papers.”

She waved her hand out of obligation. South Korea and all its intricate social layers which respect the older, more experienced people were the norm. Apparently, Sora was still having the manners which her parents drilled her into. Even though she couldn’t wait just to go back to the paper in hand while munching her supposed lunch.

“Sora-yah, is Nam Joohyuk your boyfriend?” Blurted Minhee.

The half bitten apple that previously was going to her mouth froze in the middle of the air, “He’s not my… But then technically he’s a boy and he’s my friend, but just not in that context.”

Noticing the thick nervousness that threatened the atmosphere, Sora abandoned the fruit on the table and finally turned her head around. The other girl was twirling one of the papers that she was supposed to review and taking her time to put out another filler in the air. It’s okay, she had the patience to lure things out.

“Then why did you reject Youngkwang sunbae confession? I heard you didn’t even give him a chance for a date.”

Did she want to ask how the hell her friend would be able to know such a trivial moment? It's been over a month. Yes, it wasn’t the last time Kim Youngkwang tried to ask her to hang around, but she only agreed once to have lunch together. Inside the campus, and no attachment whatsoever outside. Who blabbed and why did anyone care about whether such an invitation was accepted or not? Never mind, nothing good from knowing. What mattered was the thing that she could control. The answer to Minhee would be one of the things.

“He just.. It wasn’t the right time. Nothing about him, really.”

And probably there wouldn’t be whether it would be with him or with anyone else.

“So hypothetically, If sunbae are being snatched by others you would be okay?”

“He’s not my property and I don’t put a claim on him. I just don’t want to date anyone at the moment. You sounded like you wanted him for yourself too.”

“I have plenty of fish to catch, but I just don’t get you. Do you at least find him attractive?”

“Well, he’s not ugly if that’s what you were asking. The first impression wasn’t bad. He was attentive, smart and kind.”

“Then why wouldn't you at least try? It wouldn’t hurt to go for a date or two. I’m rooting for a happy ending and both of you would make a cute couple.”

“Choi Minhee, which part of it’s not the right time that you couldn’t understand?”

“The part where you are actually happy to have a companion, but not any of the guys.”

Oh. She noticed. 

Sora massaged the part between her eyebrows with her thumb. It wasn't easy to always tell lies even though it was woven in truth. And the closer she was with someone the more the guilt nagged on her.

Though, she learnt the lesson a long time ago. There was no use to share the burden while the other person wouldn’t be able to change anything. For now, she would just have to play no time for the relationship Park Sora. The chosen camouflage worked well for quite some time.

“Well, going back to Joohyuk. That’s what I thought too before Joohyuk went to the army he was really close with Lee Sungkyung.”

“Lee Sungkyung? Wait... how could you know all of these? Because of our major, we are all not even staying in the same building.”

Honestly, the name didn’t ring any bell. She hadn’t preyed on her housemate's personal life regarding that aspect. Avoiding the questions herself, she didn’t have any leverage to do the same to the others.

“Gossip about campus couples fly fast here. Maybe you need to start paying attention to that, Sora.”

“Or I can just wait until he tells me about it. I mean, it’s not exactly concerning me. Why did you ask anyway?”

“Curiosity and well, some people were asking me about it. You probably need to be careful. A lot of people are shipping them together.”

Choosing not to talk about it anymore, though she was taking a mental note to decide later what choices she had anyway while living together with the guy in context. Clearly, keeping it as a secret the fact that she was staying with two guys in the same apartment would be wise. People tend to judge before knowing the whole story. She, herself, had no reputation to uphold. After all, she was that new girl who lived abroad, but Joohyuk and Haejin might need to put up more appearances. Sora was ready to continue her research, but her neck was still pricking by the stare that surely came from Minhee.

“What else?”

“Are you gay?”

The question took her a step back. Not that she had any prejudices, but she would like to know what type of deduction made her friend think about such a conclusion. In doubt, avoiding the question would be the best defence.

“Are you trying to make research out of me? I haven’t signed any agreement notice.”

“I’m trying to find a logical explanation here and as a scientist, I would not hold your orientation against the conclusion.”

“You know, I could be asexual or aromantic.”

“I would ask if I didn’t know several of your boyfriends back in high school, which by the way also thrilled with the fact that you told no one that you are back here.”

“I’m nobody, Minhee-ya. I don’t need to make an announcement or anything,” which she really didn’t do other than for the two guys who shared her current residence.

Both of Haejin and Joohyuk apparently were really her only ties to South Korea after all this time. They knew some part of her past and she started to wonder whether it was a good decision on her part to get entangled in it again, despite the fact that she was too afraid to live in her birth country by herself.

“I know time passes and we don’t actually talk in between, but Sora… we are still friends, right?”

“We are, but I wouldn’t be able to produce proof if that’s what you are asking”

“We’ll take it slow. Our friendship, I mean… I know time passes and I couldn’t expect you to tell me everything like before. But someday….”

“Thanks,” Sora murmured with a small voice and tried to figure out whether she actually felt grateful or burdened by it.

***

“Tea or coffee?”

“Coffee, please. Thanks,” Sora half-whispered the answer while her eyes couldn’t be averted from the documents in her hand. It’s been an hour since she tried to re-read the whole document and Haejin noticed nothing sort of coming into her mind. The guy noticed the underlying frustration, but couldn’t get the actual source of it.

Nodding while moving to the kitchen area, Haejin started to turn on the espresso machine that he bought blissfully while moving into the apartment. He massaged the stiff log that seems like replacing his actual neck. The smell of coffee and the realization that soon his brain would be injected by caffeine cheered him up bit by bit.

Saturday’s afternoon, rather than going out to have some fun like any other youngster at their ages. Both Haejin and Sora were sitting down in the living room with a bunch of documents for the next court. She was filming her analysis as the psychologist for the victim while Haejin checked relevant case by case for comparison.

Out here with her one-piece pyjamas, Sora was comfortable in her own way. She didn’t even apply any makeup and barely brushed her teeth just for the courtesy of presenting herself as a human being. In fact, she was rolling her eyes out when she saw Haejin was fully dressed in a colour matching shirt and short pants before they started working.

It had been their drill for months of living together. They planned a simple outing or dinner during the weekend but ended up mostly crunching their work. It was only this day, the oddness of the whole thing nagged on him.

Well, truth to be told, there was work to be done, there was a reason to avoid the notion of going out. What else to miss? He was used on living like that, but a bit surprised that Sora was also accustomed to operating like that on her age. It didn’t seem right, but he had no room to talk.

“To the bowel of hell!”

“Why? Why?”

Sora put her smartphone in front of the concerned face of Haejin that turned into an amused look. She looked annoyed with the lack of sympathy with the shock that she received when she saw her phone’s background picture. A topless-apparently self-conscious- Nam Joohyuk.

“Don’t laugh! This is not funny _ , oppa _ .”

No sympathy. The crisp baritone sound was still filling the air. Haejin left his parents’ house by the time he started his bachelor degree. Other than the occasional girlfriends which totally stop parading by the time he needed to step up his game for the bar exam, he never lives with anyone else. Yes, he took the lead on convincing Sora with the current arrangement, but he never thought it would be that amusing.

“You need to give him some point, he put effort into that. Stealing your phone and other things.”

“Do you have any topless photos too? Let me change it to yours, so he would be equally shocked if he tries again.”

“That’s cruel,” Haejin offered the coffee mug to Sora while commenting, “Maybe you should have a boyfriend, so he would stop teasing you with this. I heard you refused the poor  _ sunbae _ who kept trying and some others.”

“You all gossiped like church ladies.”

“Well, I also heard if you ran away from dinner invitation from someone in the office.”

“It was from a client, okay. Totally inappropriate.”

“Is there someone that you like that’s why all of these rejections piled up?”

“Why do both of you keep trying to marry me off? It’s not like I’m the daughter of the family who needs to bring home big downy.”

“Well, you are kind of the daughter of two families. You clearly know if both of our parents adore you.”

“The thought warmed my heart but froze my brain. Your family is a hurricane,  _ oppa _ . I never could understand how you were so different.”

A small smile. Haejin knew if Sora understood his parents as much as him. After all, three of them were almost raised in the shared community of the three pairs of parents. Spend a day in one, and the rest of the week sometimes with the others. He was the oldest of the generation, the same as his parents, and their house was literally the base of all activities.

His parents were considered strict. Long rules and detailed attention to the behaviour. But Sora was the apple of his mother’s eyes. Longing for a daughter, Sora was the replacement of all the wishes. He remembered the occasional warm chocolate milk being sneaked to their room when they were all together and her mother noticed that Sora couldn’t sleep without her nightly ritual. 

Joohyuk’s parents were the total opposite. They divorced when Joohyuk and Sora were in junior high school. Though, nothing much changed, they were social butterflies from the start. They loved Joohyuk and provided attention in their own ways. For them, Park Sora was another pretty child who distracted Joohyuk from going rough.

“Where is he anyway?”

“Photo-shoot, his part-time job as I recalled what he said in the morning,” a door ring stopped Sora’s sentences mid-way, “Speak of the devil,” she continued after seeing ahead of her other housemate pooped out from the door. Until now, none of them could figure out the reason why Joohyuk always rang the bell even though he was clearly capable of opening the door by himself.

“I brought lunch for everyone! Sora-yah… Definitely deserve more than thanks!”

“If you dare to take my phone one more time…”

“A kiss! I deserve one,” the younger guy clearly ignoring whatever complaint came from the annoyed lady.

“Count your blessings, Hyuk-ah. I will forgive you even before you apologize because you actually brought back food, but no more jokes like this or that,” Sora flashed her phone once before putting it back on the sofa, then pointed her finger to Joohyuk’s face that froze with both eyes closed.

Childish bickering, been a while but they used to exchange it religiously before. Sometimes, Haejin realised that only with Joohyuk, Sora resorted back to the child who he remembered. Moving towards the corner of the sofa. He was giving a space for the conversation to continue.

***

“Yeah, but I brought extra fruit. Clearly the kiss is a long due, dove.”

“You mean a smack on the back of your head?”

“Why? Do you feel shy? We did it so many times!”

Sora did nothing else except staring at the guy who was full of a smirk. Indeed, Joohyuk thought that he won whatever game which he set in motion. He confidently walked closer and closer to claim his supposedly deserved reward.

With her side look, she noticed if Haejin barely spares them a glance. Such a scene must've looked childish in his eyes. After all, age... couldn’t lie. Living together with both of them made Sora wish sometimes that Joohyuk would mature as Haejin did, but then, it might not be Joohyuk at all.

“It’s just a kiss. Try to count from the time we were born until you left Seoul, how many kisses did we share?”

“It’s different. I’m not gonna play with you on this. Drop it off, Hyuk-ah.”

“A kiss is a kiss no matter how you received it,” whined Joohyuk. 

It might sound cruel, but he wasn’t in the mood to 'drop it off’ as Sora called it. This was a long due question that burrowed deep in his mind. Well, not just him, but also Haejin, though that guy was clearly choosing to be silent and just observed.

Living almost 2 months together, they noticed things that were not usual. He wouldn’t go that far as to say she was strange- it would be degrading in any manner. Though they agreed that Sora’s core was changed. 

Sora was never flirty, but she was friendly and comfortable with both Haejin and Joohyuk from the time that Joohyuk ever remembered. Cranky on some occasions, but they never had that much limitation in between. However, this coming back Sora was more like a polite friendly. Understandable on some level, since they were separated for 6 years, but it still prickled their senses once in a while. 

It was a small thing, really…. The way Sora never touched anyone first, even though she never argued or stopped the contact when someone else initiated it. Sometimes, it was in her eyes, crying out loud asking for help when her lips were closed shut no matter how much struggle she was in. Completed with the fact that between classes and jobs, Sora was never alone with any other guy other than Haejin and Joohyuk. 

Even in the office, she was currently known as the putting super strict boundaries staff, being overly teased since she was the one who actually was supposed to embrace the western lifestyle after living abroad for so long.

“I’m not playing with this.”

“Me neither,” answered Joohyuk nonchalantly.

His stare wasn’t wavering and before Sora was able to come back with any other ‘smart’ reply, she realized her crouched body was trapped in between the sofa and Joohyuk’s arms.

Fine, it was a battle of wills, let it be so. Haejin didn’t seem like he was going to help. Then it would be only between the two of them. The thought of what he said flashed her, it would be just a kiss. It wouldn’t be that hard. Even between friends, the gesture was exchanged without much thought behind it. Why did it disgust her that much?

Sora could feel his peppermint scent, the fresh aftershave colognes that she always identified as Joohyuk. It was something that was familiar. She had no problem whatsoever on the first day waking up next to both guys on the first day they were moving in. She wasn’t supposed to have a strong reaction like this, and yet she did. 

At the last moment, a shriek of scream froze all the actions. Joohyuk’s body was shoved to the side of the sofa. Then everything moved at the same second. 

Running steps then accompanied by the slam of the door filled the silence. 

A startled look with a hand that only grasped the empty air.

A spilled coffee with a body that stopped absurdly before it reached the space of room between.

“That’s definitely a straw too many.” Haejin started without sparing another glance to Joohyuk, “I was letting you this time because I thought it might work, but no more Joohyuk-ah. I won’t even let you think if there might be a second time for you to pull this trick.”

“I will apologize.”

“You were not sorry and we both know it. I will ask her to talk to you after she calms down. Now, be gone, Hyuk-ah.”

“You think it would be to knock on her door?”

“Not now and not with you.”

Hesitant, but still Joohyuk started to gather himself, “I care about her more than you,” 

“And I thought you would know better than that.”

***

_ Dirty… _

_ She didn’t like it. _

_ Breath… _

_ 1 _

_ 2 _

_ 3 _

_ Inhale… _

_ Exhale... _

_ It will pass…  _

_ Like every other thing, it would be, it should be... _

_ She still could hear the scream, the ragged voice of air that was trying to fill in the lungs through the mouth, but she couldn’t define where it came from, the memory or the current.  _

_ Was it hers? Or was it the guy’s on top of her? _


	4. Chapter 4

_ ‘I’m sorry, I really do, Sora. It was a joke and it went too far.’ _

_ ‘Okay, it doesn’t sound so sincere. Try again, Nam Joohyuk.’ _

_ ‘It was a mistake, I was just trying to….’ _

_ ‘No excuse, Nam Joohyuk.’ _

_ ‘Fuck. This is hard.’ _

Joohyuk knew if he could wait for Haejin to fix everything. Given time, the whole mess would be solved by itself. After all, he and Sora had a history together. It wouldn’t be easy to stay angry when they were in such close proximity too.

However, he couldn’t sleep a blink last night. It didn’t feel like their usual bickering and he was itching to know why she reacted that bad to such small jokes. Sure, he played too far. But Sora should also know if he would cast no harm upon her.

Yes, he would probably kiss her cheek or something, and ready himself for a kick on the shin or even being thrown by something, but never that. Sora was fleeing like a cornered prey with the desperation in her eyes. She lost light and reasoning.

She wasn't Sora who he knew.

It wasn’t even the right response.

Well, it has been a half-hour of tossing around in front of the door, but he wasn’t getting any smarter on what to say. Pretty words didn’t sound sincere. A simple wouldn’t portray what he actually felt. Life was much easier when he didn’t care. But how could he when it was Sora in between?

“I’m sor… Sora. Good morning. We need to talk.” It wasn’t exactly what he composed in his mind, but the sudden opening of the door made all of his preparation sound silly.

Several seconds of staring, but clearly Joohyuk wasn’t the only one who was startled with the development of the situation. He could see the fast calculation and the effort she took to even out her breath. He caught her unprepared for better or worse. Fight or flee. He would deal with both.

“I’m late for my meeting, Hyuk. Not today.”

Avoidance. So, Sora indeed chose to run away rather than dealing with the issue in hand. It’s okay, he wasn’t one to back down too.

“I can drop you off. It will be faster with a motorcycle.”

“I prefer not.”

“You know if pushing me away will accomplish nothing. I will just keep coming.”

“The world doesn’t revolve around you, I really have things to do.”

Joohyuk saw the moment Sora decided to shove him aside. He didn’t remember when his fingers moved to grab Sora’s wrist, but within a second, Sora was tucked within his reach, trapped in between the wall and his body. She tried to push out of reflex, but none of the power match Joohyuk’s determination.

“When did you learn to force yourself on a woman, Nam Joohyuk? The beautiful face couldn’t buy a free pass after all.”

It wasn’t the sarcasm or the cold words which bothered him. But the silent plea in her eyes to let her go. She was hurt beyond reasons which he could help. On one hand, it freed him from the guilt, but strangely he still felt ache. Wasn’t even about the rejection, but how he couldn’t figure out how to help. 

Still, rather than letting go while knowing Sora would run as fast as she could, Joohyuk rearranged his grip.

An understanding finally lighted in. He was suspecting but the proof finally showed itself. Park Sora, no matter how she was trying to hide it, was afraid of touch, even perhaps on males in general. 

“Park Sora, this is bigger than what I did, right?”

“You were an ass last night, trying to nitpick me won’t change that fact.”

“I did and I was sorry. But you read humans for cues, you know if I would never hurt you.”

“The fact remained, you forced your will upon mine. Even now.”

“You flinched for God sake, it’s me, not someone else, and you couldn’t pretend that none of us heard your scream or whimper at night.”

Judging from Sora’s face, she looked more defeated rather than upset being accused of something that she hasn’t done. It was a guess on his part. Other than last night, he heard the muffled sound from her room once for the duration they were staying together. It was a rare occasion that Sora was sleeping earlier than him and Haejin. In between their first night together with Sora’s bad dream, he never put the string together until today. It wasn’t a movie as he thought briefly before. 

“Let me go and we will talk about this later. Give me some space, Nam Joohyuk or I will start to draw a line between us.”

“Will you at least forgive me?”

“I’m too upset to answer it now.”

***

“Do I need to remind you as an employee, you have no right to ignore me, your employer?”

It’s been a week. Compared to Joohyuk, Haejin knew if he got away easily from the last accident. Wasn’t so much unplanned, since he could have easily avoided the whole mess to happen in the first place. He wasn’t proud, but through his calculation, he also wanted to know what’s the stance Sora standing on.

She was becoming a blind spot between them.

“I still talk to you regarding the job and this…” Sora moved her head slightly to shift her eyes towards Haejin,” this is not even professional.”

There were no other words to explain it. She was standing in between the coffee machine and Haejin, absurdly putting both of his hands to make a small cage. Startled, Sora almost dropped the freshly brewed coffee into the guy’s navy suit. Sadly, she didn’t, otherwise, Haejin could guilt-trip the woman.

Haejin caught her unprepared and yes, she was blabbering just to get out of the situation. As long as she kept talking, Haejin would be able to steer the decision from the worst possibility. Within the little space which they had, Sora was shrinking even further, making her own body smaller. He noticed, and it wasn’t a happy thought.

“Sassy, Sora. Still… are you okay?”

His tone was even, but he took a step back while making sure that Sora wouldn’t be able to go past him without getting much attention.

“Why shouldn’t I?”

“Because you’ve been avoiding both of us for a whole week. Left early in the morning and went back too late.”

“I was just busy. Work, which is actually in your company and research for my PhD, remember?”

“It’s quite subtle if you ask me to reduce your workload.” Haejin took the still foggy mug then moved it to the coffee table behind him. Giving Sora a small nod as an indication for that girl to sit in front of him, “The previous you won’t hide from the problem.”

“The previous me won’t even know if she’s in one. Keep comparing me to the one that you know is getting old, isn’t it? I was seventeen the last time we had a conversation face to face.”

Caught Haejin's lips were tilting down on one corner on the face that was usually extremely undisturbed, Sora started to put her heart out to her sleeves. It wasn’t her intention to hurt someone else, moreover, those that claimed to be close to her. Haejin knew it too well. She was just too used to defending her own after all things considered.

“I wouldn’t apologize, but I will try to be back early today,” offered Sora. She would try, but that was it, she couldn't yet promise what she couldn't ready to give.

“So will you forgive him?”

“I forgave him even before he asked.”

“No, you are not. He wouldn’t be tip-toeing around you for the past week if you did.”

“Forgiving doesn’t mean I need to act as soft as before. I guess Joohyuk needs to learn that some of his actions aren’t as funny as it seems.”

Haejin put both of his hands up. Sora was annoyed. At least better than being defeated, but she at least gave her words on forgiving Joohyuk. Perhaps, torturing the younger guy a bit longer would teach him something.

“To forgive or not would be entirely your right, but he needed to know what was his fault rather than a fit of blunt anger. He deserved an explanation if it wasn’t entirely his doing too.”

“Are you advocating for him now?”

“I’m dealing with the house peace treaty.”

“We all grow up,  _ oppa _ . You can’t always be our middleman. One day, you will need to choose a side.”

He opened his palm. Rather than initiating, this time he let Sora decide whether to let him comfort her with the small gesture or not. It was true. She wasn’t the small girl who ran and hugged him every time they met like before. He couldn’t just simply embrace the 25 years old Park Sora every time the girl shed tears as he did before.

It complicated things.

But by the time Sora put her fingers upon his, a small hope was raised.

“Can it be at least one person knows your story? I don’t mean to offend you, but there are times where you act as an empty shell. You are driven to keep running.”

“My parents left me that early. I wouldn’t apologise if my way of surviving didn’t suit the pictures in both of your minds.”

“I don’t think you grieved properly. You left Korea in a hasty after your mother’s death. You didn’t even come back for more than 3 days for your father’s funeral.”

“I was hurt, and I didn't make up words just to get comforted. But it was way past. I grew up and dealt with it in my own way.”

“You didn’t deny that you buried a secret. Can it be me Sora, the one who knows it?”

The tone that came out next was light, but she knew- she should know- if Haejin meant every single word. He was casting his eyes upon hers. Asking like a soul that wasn’t sure where he was actually standing.

“I’m a psychologist. I know enough to handle myself.” Besides her father knew about it, what had it resulted in? Another betrayal.

***

_ “I can’t bear to see you. You’re a living reminder that I failed, as a father and as a husband.” _

_ It was her only explanation on why her room turned empty even though the grave’s dirt hadn’t been dry. The last sentence that she received when she came to the man that she thought would always have her back with a flight ticket in her grip.  _

_ “Don’t tell anyone about this. You can run away and forget anything ever happened.” _

_ She didn’t want a clean slate.  _

_ She didn’t even know the mix of feelings which worsened her screaming at night no matter how hard she tried to muffle it. _

_ He didn’t blame her directly upon what happened to their family. He just shoved her to even a darker corner, as she, by herself, tried to read the accusation in his eyes. As she was trying to justify the missing body that supposedly was waving on her back when she entered the boarding room in Incheon airport.  _

_ She was left with a big suitcase, the rest of her stuff was already being sent by the courier to one of their family apartments in Toronto.  _

_ It wasn’t fair. _

_ But nothing ever was in life. _

_ She was… at the age of 18, living in another country like an orphan without family, like a child without a family. It didn’t actually take that long until it became true. In her third month, she received a telephone call if her name was in the will that was written before her father finally followed the path of her mother.  _

_ Wasn’t even protected anymore by a mere illusion.  _

_ She was truly alone. _

_ Cause truth can be a secret once everyone is dead. _

A warm palm that rested on her right cheek was pulling her back into the current time. She didn’t realise the time when she jerked away from the gesture but noticed the result. Another concerned look, but luckily she didn't see any pity on it… yet….

“You were not here for a couple of minutes. Which memory stole you from me, Sora-yah?”

Straightening her back slowly, Sora escaped the offer of embrace that clearly was coming. Took back her own fingers from his, missing the heat which she was missing in order to force down the vile acid from the bottom of her throat. She averted her eyes somewhere else. Sora wasn’t going to lie, but she wasn't up to voluntarily spilling her beans either.

“The one that you don’t know.”

“The one that made you sleep with lights on? We noticed that you never turn off the light in your room every night, Sora.”

“Maybe I wasn’t sleeping as much as you think I did.”

“Which is another problem on its own, isn’t it? Try me, Sora. Maybe I can actually help.”

Another moment of silence, but Sora knew better. The person in front of her was Haejin, she wasn't going to lower her guard just because that guy was flexing his 'understanding neighbour older brother’ aura again. Yes, she hadn’t been sleeping as good as their first night together. But it wasn’t anything new. She had insomnia and rather than nagging on it, she usually just used it to accomplish other things instead.

The flash of questioning how she could sleep soundly in between two guys came across her mind. It was a really deep longing of having a home and the fact that she didn’t need to defend herself. It was a wrong thought as was proven by Joohyuk. 

She was angry because his action shattered the illusion. Stupid for her, but talking with Haejin helped her realise more things that she couldn’t control. Her feelings seemingly clear became one of them.

“My mom wants to meet you.”

“I wasn’t expecting it,” answered Sora honestly. After living abroad for so long, burying all pieces about this country. She almost forgot if it wasn’t only her that was close to Haejin and Joohyuk. All of their parents, at one moment of their life, were also friends. Still, with time, she was willing to be forgotten by all the courtesy.

“It was long due and you know it. She will come this weekend, so empty your schedule.”

“You don't have any girlfriend so your mom could just disturb another girl?”

A burst of crisp laughter and a second after Sora decided to join, setting aside all the tension in between. It was that or she would start to freak out. 

“You have 3 days to find a boyfriend if you want to have a strong reason to escape mom. Count your blessing though, it will be only my mom not together with Joohyuk’s mom.”

“Throwing myself in front of the traffic might be less painful.”

“She loves you like her own daughter. It would be tiring, but I promise you that it would also be fun. At least partially.”

“Why are you not dating anyone?”

“I’m waiting for someone.”

And by then, Sora doubted if she wanted to hear the full answer...


	5. Chapter 5

It brought her a little smile every time she heard someone mention Lee Sungkyung and Nam Joohyuk. Their names were being put together for a lot of things. Renowned models, new talents, the beauty and the handsome of the Campus Couple. Though, they never claimed the last title. Did she wish so? Well, a girl should have her secret.

It was their first lunch this semester. Partly because it was also her first day coming back to university after her last photoshoot abroad. Working as a model gave her a better track record rather than attending her classes. However, she was used to having it all. After all, she understood that her looks would only last for so long. A degree as a backup plan could do her no wrong.

“Sungkyung-ah, what gift can that for sure can subdue a woman’s anger?”

Odd question. The first one straight after she landed her ass on the soft chair in their favourite cafe. At least, the man had ordered the caesar salad and a side grapefruit juice for her. So all things considered, he was forgiven.

But they played this game for a long time. So, she answered while

“Big chunk of diamond.”

“It’s not for you.” The reply was full of sarcasm, but also she understood that there was no hard done in the sentence. It would really ease her anger if she was the one presented with a diamond ring by the offender.

“I know, otherwise you won’t be sitting on the chair but begging on your knees. Who is the unfortunate girl?”

“You don’t know her,” answered Joohyuk while going back to poke the food in his tray without any enthusiasm.

“I know most of your friends, except you, made a new one during your service, but well, I doubt you develop an interest in a dude. Otherwise, you would already date one.”

“She was much more before you and giving you the name won’t make you suddenly know her.”

Giving up momentarily, Sungkyung dashed her hand on top of Joohyuk’s head and messed around with his hair. They were friends for the last 6 years. It started from the first semester as newcomers, then getting closer when signing a modelling contract under the same agency. They took ‘always’ together to a whole different meaning.

Both of them were taking a break from the university at the same time. Joohyuk for attending the army, while she was focusing on her modelling career. Gossip did spread around about their relationship, but with two of them focusing more on school and career at the same time, keeping their position as current, was their best choice.

One day, maybe….

“Most girls will be melting by the fact you care, but buying jewellery is one of the easiest ways. Just don’t go overboard. Find the one that suits your girl.”

“That’s exactly the problem. I don’t think she’s the same girl as before.”

“Oooo…. Nam Joohyuk. I never considered you as a romantic guy before this,” teased Sungkyung. In fact, she realized, other than the fact, they were friends for this long, she never considered him as anything else.

However, hearing the guy beside her described another girl, somehow, pricked something underneath. Of course, both of them had flings here and there, a blind date or simply flirting with others. Even then, they would always go back like this together, being comfortable without any confirmation in between.

“You really don’t want me to meet the girl? If she is in the same uni as us, I will hear about it soon enough too.”

“Let the hell freeze over first. She’s too soft for you, I would rather keep her safe and sound in one piece.”

“I only eat a nice girl on Tuesday, any other day she’s safe. Maybe she heard about us. Isn’t that usually the cause of the problem?”

“I don’t think she felt disturbed about my relationship with anyone, which actually bothered me even more.”

“Don’t say it with such a serious face, if you scare me by that, you definitely will make her run away.” And somewhere deep within, she half realized if what she said was what she was hoping for.

***

If she could have a choice. Staying at her work table in the office would be her primary choice. After a long meeting with a client, small talk with colleagues was beyond her capability. Sadly, an exciting announcement from Go Ara, one of the lawyers in the firm- made her sit in the middle of two people inside the Japanese restaurant near the office.

True, it was a rare occasion that the owner of the company was calling to eat together. Usually, they were too busy with their own project or even using that small window of time to talk to another client. 

“I think this is the first time I see you eating with others, Park Sora,” Lee Jongsuk the master of pointing out the obvious had a twinkle in his eyes. It usually meant trouble for Haejin.

“Our CEO pointed out if I don’t spend enough time with my colleague. So, here I am.” Yep, Sora was throwing the CEO under the bus.

“Ah, that’s why the company’s credit card is out today to pay for lunch.”

“How long have you been knowing each other?” This time the question came from the only female lawyer in the building.

When she first entered the company, Sora thought if Go Ara had some feelings for her housemate. Apparently, she had never been more wrong. She received the whole story one afternoon after reminding Haejin that it was probably best for them not to spend much time together so they wouldn’t hurt Ara’s feelings. 

They did date. 

Briefly. 

Break up as two consenting adults who understood if their lifestyle and main principle would never be the same.

Even in the relationship that was supposed to be messy, Haejin was able to sort things out and calmly managed to have a better future. 

“I was in the hospital when she was born. All wrinkles and red.”

Sora stopped herself from giving back the remark. At least, she wasn’t called a crumpled potato based on the fact there was no just born baby who was actually looking beautiful in her opinion.

“Ah, that’s why you are taking care of her like that. She’s really like your little sister.”

“Did he act differently with all of you?”

Because she didn’t notice a lot of Haejin's interaction with other people. She had no reason too since she knew him closely and made an assumption on her own. He was polite as always to anyone, but Sora never paid attention beyond that. After all, for Haejin to be nice to her was because of their own history. He was kind and it was enough.

“How did you think your older brother was able to accumulate such wealth in his age? He never opens his pocket for any of his juniors.”

“Do you still want me to pay?”

“See… He’s only nice when you are involved.”

A little laugh around the table and their conversation just shifted to some of their pressing cases. Sora was listening attentively. She liked the fact that their questions would only be limited to a professional setting. Somehow, it became a safe place where she didn’t need to guard her answers.

“Do you really consider me as a younger sister,  _ oppa _ ?”

They walked a bit slower. With her heels and a full stomach, Sora wasn’t in the mood to race with those long legs humans. Enjoying the breeze and for once letting her mind focus on the present with someone who knew closely. Sora and Haejin had a comfortable silence and she dared to ask for a confirmation.

“Would you like me to?”

A riddle.

Given one. Sora took her time to answer.

“I don’t know.” It was after all an honest remark. She didn’t know whether she wanted to be more or less. The things that she craved and the things that she was afraid of. Would a sister cover it all?

“Try to think about the answer that you want. I have one that I wish to hear.”

“I wouldn’t know if you are not telling me.”

“You are not dense, Sora and it’s useless for me to spell it out if you would be too afraid to say it yourself.”

“Like Joohyuk. I think between us, there is a line that we didn’t want to cross too,  _ oppa _ .”

It came out more like a reflex. She wasn’t ready.

“I don’t know about Joohyuk as it’s your own problem with him, but between us. The imaginary line was drawn by you. If you have the need to define it, I would have an opinion whether to take it or not.”

“Invading isn’t exactly a cool thing. You were in my life once, but it doesn’t mean you would always be there.”

It wasn’t something that she could control.

“Your world would not expand if you close it and keep taking a step back to put distance on people.”

“You talk in puzzles. Thinking that I might know all the parts. As you don’t know everything about me, it is the same for me to you.”

“Strange isn’t it that you still understand even after you said so.”

It was.

But Sora wouldn’t admit it out loud.

***

Pandora

It took him a black mask and black sunglasses to cover his face with 15 minutes of contemplating whether he should buy it online or in-store before Joohyuk finally lost his own temper and walked in. If any paparazzi got his picture, his agency would go mental and another assumption that he was probably dating Sungkyung might appear. But then, he needed to pay more than money to ease the harder problem. 

For better or worse, he made Sora upset and he had no idea how to calm her down. It was their first big fight and also a slap on his face that something was really wrong with her. His first trial of apologising only turned her further. Sora left the room every time he was around and it was painfully obvious she was hiding in the office rather than betting on the chances of meeting him in the campus area.

Joohyuk was listening to an hour of explanation for the whole set of variances in how to get women’s hearts. The usual him would just grab the most expensive one and walk out.

One jewellery attracted his attention, though.

Sparkling Wishbone Necklace.

As it was described, Wishbone luck - a twig really,- was considered a lucky charm. When you make a wish on a wishbone, the wisher who breaks the bone and has the larger piece is thought to have their wish granted. The wishbone pendant symbolizes hope for the future and good luck to the wearer.

They wouldn’t break the gold necklace, hopefully, but maybe Sora would be able to see if he wished her well. The design was simple and able to convey meaning. 

Still, it made quite a big hole in his saving.

Something that he definitely would have to hide from Sora. The uncomfortable feeling should be reduced rather than adding up. He was able to guess the protest which would come from the housemate.

If the lady would ever listen to his wishes, he would choose to drown Sora in diamonds. All the sparkly and finest silk. All the things would help the women shine as bright as possible. She deserved all the best things in the world.

But the comeback Sora even refused to use brighter colour and bolder cut. For the past months, it would be a work shirt and shapeless sweater. It felt like Sora was trying to melt to the background. A futile hope because she is an attention grabber even without trying.

The thing which bothered him was the reason. It wasn’t even because she didn’t have money to splurge on herself. At their ages, three of them were doing more than well. Each entitled on their own shares of wealth and no one had any type of leash on them.

Money was one of the ways his parents showed affection. His father was still an active producer and his mother was an actress turned into a painting artist. None of them had time to spare for the only child.

He didn’t miss it as much when growing up. 

Nam Joohyuk was introduced to the modelling world from such a young age. By the time he reached legal age, his savings were accumulated enough to live on his own and to spend it as he wished. It took him one incident of almost unable to pay for his credit card bill to understand that he needed to establish some control and received advice from his dear cousin.

For Haejin. Well, the fact that he paid in full amount for an office in Gangnam should say more than enough. Even he was used to spending his income on his watch collection and newest gadget. His family background on managing money was much more solid, but as far as Joohyuk understood, the older guy didn’t take any of his inheritance at the moment in the name of full freedom.

Meanwhile, Sora was left with an abundance of investments both in shares and property. He heard the chaos when she liquified everything after her parents’ death and moved all of it to Canada. She also did well in her own career. How couldn’t she when every little chance they were able to communicate, the girl was busy running somewhere for whatever jobs she could get her hand to?

But there was no trace of her spending things on herself.

It was totally an intentional action, but why?

Why was she trying so hard to live in the grey?

***

Living abroad, Sora almost forgot how such an experience having parents are. Haejin’s mom came and went like a tornado, whooping everyone and everything in one go, knocking all the balance.

A lot of kisses, a lot of hugs and a lot of scolding for each of them. It was harder to lie, but Sora lived such a life for too long already to feel any guilt. Matching up an act for a nice kind soul was much easier than dealing with some of her patients.

Park Misook. In his sixties, she was still as beautiful as she could remember. With strong hands that can hold and smack at the same time. She desperately wished to remember her own mother, but betrayal sting and she was too tired feeling bitter. 

“I don’t want this to be our last meeting, Park Sora.”

The sentences came when they were both left alone at the end of the visit. It was a strange feeling since she let the older woman braid her hair, sending her back to the corner of her world which was forgotten. It was after all, also a stolen time from someone else’s mother.

“I don’t think anyone could escape you when you put your mind into it,  _ imo. _ ”

“You did and that child definitely did.”

“I will come and visit you, also drag  _ oppa _ and Joohyuk while at it.” She made a small promise, hopefully, one she would be able to keep.

“I asked Haejin to give me the password for the apartment but he refused. At least you know that you could live in our house anytime, right?”

“I know,  _ imo _ and I’m grateful because of that. I’m sure  _ oppa _ has his own reason,” and she also secretly agreed with Haejin’s decision. They were all adults with their own agendas. No matter how great the parents were, boundaries were something which they needed to have at this age.

“I supposed to step up and take care of you after your parents’ death, but your father told us before if living in Canada was your choice. I’m glad that you decided to come back.”

Was it?

“It wasn’t your fault. The things that happened in the past, we couldn’t change, but thank you for the thought.”

“You were so beautiful and still are. You grew up well.”

Was she?

Sora was amazed by the length of her own parents in hiding what happened too. They were such close friends, but no one knew what actually happened. What ruined a perfectly calm family into a havoc one. Her parents’ sudden death remained a tragedy, her own, buried deep under it.

“Why don’t you have similar patience for me as for his mom?”

There he was, Joohyuk stood near the pantry with his hand on a cup of coffee- the thing that apparently three of them needed the most at the moment- and stared intents enough to make a hole on the back of her head. 

He was in his best behaviour for the whole visit. Steering the aunty out of her hair when the older lady preyed into uncomfortable questions. She didn’t have much information to offer.

At least, she expected this conversation.

“Because you haven’t gained that amount of respect yet.”

“And what exactly did she do to gain yours?”

“This conversation is going nowhere. Let’s stop it.”

“You are still mad at me.”

“As a matter of fact, I’m not. I did forgive you on that day, but it doesn’t mean I will be as lee-way as I was.” There, she repeated the exact same argument as she had with Haejin. 

She couldn’t believe what she saw, Joohyuk was taking his time to answer. The guy was fiddling with the spoon in his cup, making another circling motion. It was a new development. Disturbing, but nobody knew where it would lead them to.

“I’m sorry, I really do. I don’t want to move out, but I will if you say so.”

“I’m the one that was supposed to move out.”

“And killing me with guilt?”

“And you know that it would not solve the problem,” Haejin with his calm voice apparently thought he was needed in the conversation. Clearly, it was in his top priority to join the conversation straight after he was back on sending his own mother home with their family’s driver.

Sora rolled her eyes. They both really cornered her. She supposed to know better, but then she was tired to be the one that needed to calculate all of her moves. Maybe deep down, she started to understand that it wasn’t such a bad idea to get caught. But then, she couldn’t grasp anymore betrayal on her bruised heart.

“I don’t appreciate when both of you gang up on me.”

“And I can’t let him steer you into moving out,” answered Haejin without many expressions. He was clear on his focus apparently. The fight was between her and Joohyuk, so he didn’t voice any opinion regardless.

“I forgive you, Nam Joohyuk. But I need time to go back as before or to process what happened. My past was a tragedy, one that we all could agree on, but I didn’t want both of you to keep asking me to open that can of worms when I just want to forget. I don’t appreciate you rushing it.”

“But you can’t keep avoiding me, Sora. What if I promise to stop? I want to talk, to share stories, and honestly, you dashing out of the room was hurting me.”

“I didn’t mean to.”

Despite her anger. Sora knew for sure that she didn’t have any excuse to hurt someone who had no idea on the things that she was afraid of. He didn’t know because she was so good at keeping the secret.

But she was hurt because when she pretended to bury it, Sora was hoping people would notice.

It was a dangerous thought.

One which she killed straight away with one deep breath.

“Will it make you feel better if I let you hit me. I let you do that, as long as not on my face, of course.”

Small smirk and Sora shook her head.

“Let’s reset it, shall we?”

“Dang! I thought I needed to bribe you with a necklace and that’s it.”

“I probably wouldn’t forgive you if you started with that.”

“I still want to give it to you. Before you start, I had a model discount so it did no harm.”

The necklace was out of a velvet box and Joohyuk made a small ceremony to show it around both to her and Haejin. She could see the smug look but decided not to mention it. Joohyuk didn’t need another provocation to start launching his

It was pretty and she knew the meaning.

“Thank you. I will use it.”

“I can put it on you now just to make sure you won’t sell it when I’m not around.”

He didn’t wait for permission, but given that his hand was waiting on his own side for Sora to give back the box, Sora let it go. It took her a second to pull her hair up and Joohyuk put the chain without touching anything else. Being proud of himself with the small restraint.

“A wishbone. Would you really grant whatever I wish for, Nam Joohyuk.” Tracing the line, Sora knew that it would be one of the things that she would treasure dearly.

“As long as you don’t break it into two.”

“I will take your words for it.”

A small clap. The attention shifted to the older guy who looked pleased with the situation. Thinking about it, the scene would be awkward if it was someone else who was standing on his position. Luckily they didn’t start shouting or crying together before revolving the whole thing. A celebration hug would be too much too.

“Okay, so can we just go to have dinner somewhere.”

“Your mom just filled our fridge with every side dish available under the sky.”

“Yes, but no one would want to wash the dishes.”

“Good point. Let’s go, Sora. For the sake of peace and the old time.”

“For the sake of us three.”


	6. Chapter 6

_ “No one can help you if you are not helping yourself.” _

_ She didn’t know how. _

_ “I tried Sora. I really tried, but when you are refusing to forget. I also wouldn’t be able to.” _

_ With the scream on her head, how could she? _

_ “You are not just torturing yourself, but also us. I’m sorry. I really do.” _

_ She was too. _

_ She knew that she was hurting everyone else. Her mother was crying endlessly every time she entered her room. The quiet anger of her father, directed inward and outward, partially to her even without saying it. _

_ But how to control things that she didn’t intentionally do? _

_ Stop it. _

_ Neglected, yet she knew. _

“Stop it! STOP IT!”

“It’s too loud. The voices won’t stop.”

She woke up, frantically looking for the bottle of pills which she hid under in the last draw of her bed table. But the face which was staring at her back from the mirror stopped her hand to pop the white thing into her mouth.

Sora stared at her reflection. Her hair was a mess of a nest. A clear trace of tears and sweat. Another image which she wanted to lock up in the closet rather than seeing it again with her own eyes.

She promised herself that it wasn’t the state that she wanted to be.

Another dose of anti-anxiety pills wouldn’t help the progress. Sora thought if she was getting better. After all, the frequencies of her nightmares decreased. Occasionally only like what Joohyuk and Haejin’s noticed, but never this bad.

What triggered the coming out of the last conversation which she had with her mother?

Would it be really as simple as meeting someone else, another mother figure from her past?

She couldn’t do anything before. She didn’t know. But Park Sora wasn’t 18 anymore, wasn’t a victim without the knowledge and the support. 

It was time to actually head up to what she feared the most.

The last stage of her journey on trying to survive.

She promised herself that she would try for the last time.

Her reason for doing a PhD in South Korea was valid. Sora was looking to advance her career and finding a reason to keep herself busy. She applied for the grant in South Korea and actually forgot about it when working in Canada. She was trying to find an excuse by putting her chance to go back by mere odds.

But the real reason, one that everyone was suspecting because she missed life in Korea was a totally different matter. Because living abroad was too hard for a single woman without any support. It was as simple as her sleeping pattern getting worse.

Without sleeping pills, Park Sora would always have a sleepless night. She started to feel anxious day by day and ran down herself to the ground. She worked like a horse wasn’t just because she was trying to forget. Sora was trying to make herself turn off physically. Her body developed resistance and her dose was getting higher until her GP decided to put her back into the therapy session. A thing which she couldn’t afford to go through again.

Forget about dating, she needed to fix her fear of intimation and the PTSD which haunted her anyway. Sora was barely able to hold together her basic need to function even though that was her only way to survive. Yes, once upon a time she was shallow and thought a happy ever after would be there if she married the right prince. The wish was still there, but it wouldn't matter if her body would flee faster than her mind.

Park Sora didn't come back here to date Park Haejin or Nam Joohyuk. She needed to involve them in the scheme. Or at least, that's what she was planning to do. Sora became a coward when she realised that both of them were humans with their own mind which she wouldn’t be able to control. Somehow, their opinion mattered.

A classic.

She was too afraid to die but didn’t know how to do the opposite properly.

She wanted to have a life. Living in it rather than just pretending to have one. She felt envious even to her own patients in Canada because they could get better and move on. The sparks in their eyes when they were able to let out their past experience without getting hung up on it was something that she craved.

Helping those people gave her hopes, but also an abundance of annoyance on why she couldn’t be one of the survivors.

The key was in her memory and in her own fear. No matter which psychologist or psychiatrist was trying to unravel her mind, they were always going back to the first place where it happened. Funny that she tried so hard to even get into the profession to understand herself.

Seoul.

She needed to finish everything here. Taking charge of retracing the steps back.

Apparently forgetting was no longer an option.

And digging it by herself might cause further problems.

But who else could she rely on if she was left alone by ones who she trusted the most?

***

“I’m going to change the subject of my research.”

It was early morning when Park Sora entered the professor 's room a minute after the older lady went there. She didn't make an appointment, but she knew the urgency couldn't wait for clearing the schedule.

“But your progress would backtrack. Your previous proposal was good and you presented well to the panel.”

“I could use the same basis of the research, but yes, by making it more specific, it would take me longer to get the proper sample amount.”

“Yes, it would be just one or two subjects at your level. It might take a toll on you. You would also need to present the case again. Would you be okay to do it? Such a topic is really touchy in this country.”

“As long as you approve, I will find a way, professor.”

“Then I will be waiting to review your next step.”

One thing down.

There was one number that she could contact to make her need to be fulfilled. It was kind of disturbing that she knew she would get it and could depend on the person without asking before.

“Give me the crime section.”

“Good morning, Park Sora. Let’s start again.”

Sora could portray the half-smile on the corner of Haejin’s lips. He was in high spirits today and somehow it lifted up her mood. The fragrance of freshly brewed coffee. Park Haejin, stood silently with one hand in his pocket, watching over the city through the window in his office.

“Good morning, CEO Park Haejin. Could you please start involving me in the crime section?”

“A formal request so I wouldn’t be able to reject, isn’t it? Are you sure?”

“I will do the procedure, taking care of the non-disclosure agreement too.”

“Do you want to assist Goo Ara or Lee Jongsuk then?”

“I’m surprised you didn’t offer yourself.”

She would reject the idea, of course, but knowing was a part of the games with Park Haejin. The guy always provided an honest answer, she just needed to be careful when asking. Sometimes, she was afraid if she wouldn’t like the answer, the other time, she was afraid that she would feel obligated to answer in the same manner.

“You would be upset if I babysit you too much.”

“Lee Jongsuk- _ ssi _ then.”

“Did you think it through? His temper is worse and his cases are usually nastier.”

“You said you wouldn’t babysit me.”

“Doesn’t mean I want to throw you into a lifetime of suffering either.”

“Is it yes?”

“Yes, I will inform Jongsuk about it and you can start to discuss how to do it with him directly tomorrow.”

“Thank you.”

“Now, can I ask the real reason why?”

“I’m planning to find my research subjects from our client database and you promised to let me do so before I agreed to work part-time.”

“I did, but I thought your population of the research was rich people with depression?”

“I changed my mind. I explained it all to my supervisor, you could read my proposal.”

A small huff.

One step.

Two steps.

Haejin probably walked back to his chair. This time, leaning to the table, embracing something. The image was too clear, it was almost comical.

“Did you sleep well last night?”

Her steps halted. The turn of the topic left her breathless. 

_ No. _

“Yes.”

“Is that why you left so early?”

“If you noticed, it means you were awake at that time.”

And probably heard her pacing around in panic. She didn’t know whether to be grateful or upset. Park Haein was giving her time to decide and to pretend. However, it was a borrowed time as he didn’t keep it till the end so it buried deep as an unknown

“I was. I was hoping you would knock on my door. It is okay not to do so if you don’t want it, but know that like this phone call, you could always come to me.”

“I will keep that in mind if you will stop asking.”

“Deal.”

***

“You don’t need to keep trying to avoid me.”

The sentence came out of nowhere and it took her a moment to register in order to understand the meaning. 

Sora was standing in between books in the library. Trying to find other references to help her own topic when she smelled a familiar cologne. Kim Youngkwang. Of course. Though, as usual, she pretended not to notice and focused on the papers on her hands. After all, it wasn’t a strange view for people to see her like that.

Considering she didn’t back out and run towards the opposite direction as usual. The statement indeed raised her notice. What sort of thing triggered the easy-going upperclassmen to say such? 

“I didn’t.”

“It became painfully obvious, Park Sora. I’m not that clueless in dating and I also heard everything from Minhee.”

_ Aha. _

“I bet the Minhee’s part took a big role.”

Probably the friendly female spent hours and hours trying to weave the story so it wouldn’t upset anyone.

“She just tried to help. Both of us to be exact, but it didn’t work out.”

“I believe so and I didn’t blame her.”

Still, she needed to have another talk with Minhee. Her friend should stop pointing out clues to random guys in the name of caring.

“You are still not supposed to keep acting like this, tho.”

“I thought from the start I would never try to lead you anywhere.”

“To me? Not at all. As I said, you weren’t giving me a chance even to try. However, to him.”

Sora was trying to follow where his gaze fell into. Nam Joohyuk. Standing several feet away but clearly with the eyes glued on them. It was funny when she noticed that the guy was battling himself whether to walk closer or to wait. She put her hands up as a signal and the pace was suddenly getting faster.

“He was a special case.”

“I noticed that too, but it will save everyone’s troubles if you could just date each other already.”

“I didn’t mean we would have such a relationship either. Our parents were friends so we’ve known each other since childhood.”

“Ah, so he has a chance because he met you first.”

_ Was it? _ Another question to ask herself.

“It’s not. I’m just not ready for anything unplanned at the moment.”

“But we really could be friends, Park Sora.”

“Would that spark your hope,  _ sunbae _ ?”

“A person’s pride only could take so many rejections. Even if it wasn’t his fault.”

“I hope I didn’t hurt your feelings or anything. You didn’t lack anything and I’m sure you could find someone who is better than me.”

“Friends?”

“Yes, I think I would like to become friends with you,  _ sunbae _ .”

“See you later, Sora.”

“Until later,  _ sunbae _ .”

***

“What did you talk to that dude? He’s Kim Youngkwang, right?”

He didn’t want to be petty at first. However, Joohyuk couldn’t deny the nagging feeling and ended up blurting out the question. They had a fine day. Having lunch together to make sure Sora was okay to be alone with him after the last incident. He wanted to laugh at himself. The mighty Nam Joohyuk was happy with a simple walk on the bank of Han River. Though, they both needed to cover their faces.

The bomb dropped once they entered the apartment. Sitting across from each other with a smile on her face, he just couldn’t help it.

“Couldn’t hold your curiosity even longer, right?”

“I’m happy and all if you try to open yourself for dating. But I need to know if I get competition.”

“There wouldn’t be any competition if there is nothing to win over. I’m not a prize.”

“I thought before if you set your bar so high that’s why you rejected anyone, but the more I realise if you have such a low opinion about yourself. I don’t understand, Sora.”

“Why did you try so hard? I was only me.”

“You have never been an only, Park Sora.”

“Your expectation might suffocate me, Nam Joohyuk. I care about you, but I have a limit on what I could do even if I try. If you are being nice to me based on who I am in your mind, I’m afraid that I wouldn’t be able to make it enough for you.”

He scooted closer. This time while locking his gaze upon her. He learnt from his last mistake, doing it slower would not scare the girl. They were not in the romance movies where a sudden movement would bring the heart racing. It seems like even a bit of excitement might make Sora scampered like a deer.

“I always recall you as my home, Park Sora. You remember my parents. They were like butterflies. Pretty to look at, but such a fleeting moment. When things were too hard, I ran to your parents and pretended to be strong for you. Apparently, I learnt to be one for you.”

Joohyuk waved her fingers upon his. Waited for several seconds to make sure the temperature went down by a notch.

“We hadn’t been together for so long.”

“And at those times I realise that a lot of houses are open but my home was always there when you were there. I was so happy when you decided to live with me and _ hyung _ .”

“I was a spoiled child, wasn’t I? I received so much love before, but never able to give back.”

He never thought so, and it was actually strange to see that Sora thought that way about herself. She was so loved before, by her parents, by her friends and even by him and his cousin. Yes, she was so lost when her centre of the world vanished, but how could she didn’t see that she still had so much more.

“You could start over now. Could you be my home again, Park Sora? Someone who I come back to when the world is too much and I promise you to provide the same.”

“I can’t promise to give you something that I currently don’t have, Hyuk.”

“You don’t want to try for me?”

“You know I didn’t mean that. I’m not the same person as before. I couldn’t be even if I wanted to.”

“I wanted to ask you out on our graduation day, but you didn’t come and the next thing that I heard was you were already in Toronto.”

“You couldn’t still love me from that time, or even maybe loved me at all.”

“I was stuck with a lot of what if. I thought it was impossible until you decided to come back. It will drive me nuts if I never try.”

***

“He loves you.”

The words fell from his lips, yet it took everything in him not putting more than declaring a fact tone while saying it. Nam Joohyuk wasn’t exactly subtle and always let himself be read like an open book. And well, Sora wasn’t dense no matter how hard she tried to pretend.

“I’m not exactly blind or deaf, and you definitely need to stop eavesdropping all around the house.”

Park Haejin didn’t exactly hide the evidence that he was at home first. His espresso machine was turned on, his coat was hanging on one of the chairs. He didn’t make any noise once he realised that no one actually noticed. To say that he sneaked in order to listen wasn’t far from the truth.

“Both of you didn’t exactly make it private.”

“The polite way is to pretend you are not there, leave and never mention it.”

Yes, he could do that. However, once he knew Joohyuk walked out from the house after the conversation, Haejin opened the door of his room wider. Strolling towards Sora who was lost in thought.

“And you like him enough.”

“Are you trying to say you know me better than myself?”

“You have a soft spot for him and I’m guessing for me too. If it’s just simple loneliness, you would accept your  _ sunbae _ and several other offers already.”

“Dating isn’t really my top priority,  _ oppa _ . Wanting it doesn’t mean I would be able to do it.”

“Except you are considering this one. What about me?”

“Oppa.”

“Did you think about the answer to my question? Do you want me just to stay like your brother?”

“If it’s again about the old me.”

“The old you wouldn’t be bothered by this. Maybe it’s about time for you to realise that I also change. I don’t feel obliged to be nice to you, I’m doing it because I choose to. You are the version of Park Sora who I care about.”

“Are you doing this because you heard Joohyuk’s confession. I don’t have the answer to his wish the same as yours.”

Did he?

It was embarrassing to admit. What he heard could be a part of it. Though, he knew from long that Joohyuk would have a faster pace than him. It wasn’t a competition as Sora mentioned before, but he still wanted to put himself out there. 

He nodded. Holding the edge of Sora’s long hair as he saw the lady curling in her hands.

“What type of relationship that you want us to have. I will consider it if you are able to spell it out.”

“If this is how far that I could go, would that be enough?”

_ No. _

But at the moment, he wouldn’t push far beyond what was offered. Park Haejin knew it and he spelt it out so the girl in front of her would be able to stay on the same page as him.

“Did you ever date anyone?”

“A lot.”

“After you left for Canada, Park Sora. Everyone knows about your high school flings and no one ever considered it serious.”

“Twice.”

“Did they leave more scars?”

“They tried to fix what was broken beyond repair. The part which I didn’t even know whether it was better to stay or to throw.”

“I wouldn’t do that.”

“You didn’t know how messed up I am, it is more than you’ve been suspecting.”

She didn’t know what he knew. But it wasn’t the time if she wasn’t ready for anything.

“I didn’t project anything to you, Park Sora. Therefore, you aren’t supposed to estimate my actions too.”


	7. Chapter 7

‘Duk.’

Thank God for his reflex, but Haejin didn’t expect the first thing that he needed to do was to catch the falling of Sora’s head straight to the wooden table when he entered the room. Right when he was attempting to do some mischief, he ended up injuring the back of his own palm.

“Careful, Park Sora. The insurance might cover the treatment, but a bruised forehead lasts quite long.” Still, he knocked it lightly to make her more alert.

“You… Never mind. Where is our dear lawyer Lee Jongsuk?”

Half mumbling and massaging her forehead, Haejin noticed the fatigue in his subordinate. The non-sleeping regime had taken its toll in Sora. The other lawyer wasn’t exactly subtle when he left the room, meaning Sora either really sleepy or was concentrated that hard on her laptop. Somehow in the midst of panic, the lady still spent several minutes flipping his hand and even blowing it to make sure the hit wasn’t serious.

“He’s going out to run. It’s his thing when he feels frustrated.”

“Ah, I will go to the pantry and make some coffee then.”

Haejin followed the steps. Ready to catch the girl in case she stumbled or even worse, suddenly dropped. It happened in their line of work a lot. It was a surprise that Sora hadn’t even had a nose bleed yet. Her body wasn’t in shock so she probably developed resistance from living like that for long.

“Do you want to drop you home? I could tell him that you will continue tomorrow morning.”

“No, I will be okay after a cup of coffee, tomorrow would be the last court hearing and we still need to combine more evidence on why the child should be in the custody of the father. I had to reassess the child’s interview, but it wasn’t really strong.”

“What was Jongsuk advice?”

“Put the mother to jail. Which is a possible solution considering the abuse history, but to wait until that stage, it would prolong the process and the children couldn’t stay in the system for that long if they have a capable father to take over.”

“Would you put the child on the tribune?”

“He has Kanner’s Syndrome or Classic Autistic Disorder, it would take further complication. Even after the hearing, I still need to either refer him to another psychologist or draw the plan out for him.”

The first sip. Sora was hugging the mug for several seconds before Haejin was able to steal it for a sip on his own. He could make his own, but what would be the joy in that? Even with rolling eyes, the mug still transferred to him anyway.

“How did you cope up with all of this,  _ oppa _ ? There would be a time that the pressure and the stress took a toll on you.”

“I will fight to win, put aside everything until it all finishes and just crumble in solitary. It isn’t a shameful thing to take a break and lick my own wound.”

He could see Sora’s brain working fast to find the meaning behind his words. He didn’t state it because only Sora knew whether she was fighting or hiding too long. Wasn’t his place to judge when he couldn’t do much to help.

“Why didn’t you find someone to talk to?”

“Why didn’t you?”

Bartering the mug between them, there were no words exchanged until the last drop. Park Haejin liked the silence between them. Their days were loud and their minds kept racing for other answers, but both of them were content just to stand next to each other. On such occasions, he could pretend that it would last forever.

“Aren’t you going back home yourself?”

“No, I still have some matters to attend to, I would drop you off so I can take some change of clothes for myself.”

Their shoulders were leaning against each other. It took him a while to realise that he tried to hold himself from giggling like a teenager when their fingers touched without Sora retracting it back.

The vibration, he felt it first and from the corner of his eyes, he recognised the numbers straight away.

“Joohyuk is downstairs.”

The conversation wasn’t long. Though friendly, Sora was clearly too tired to exchange jokes at this hour. He could feel the shifting in the relationship between the three of them. They were getting closer, indeed. But the distance within each other, only she knew.

“It’s not just me who is thinking you should have some rest.”

“You are working, he is working, it’s not like I’m doing an extra special thing.”

“He asked whether we want to go for supper.”

“I’m pretty sure he didn’t ask for me, but because you offer, I will be shameless and join.”

“It’s only a supper.”

“You didn’t need to explain, but again pretending if it’s that simple wouldn’t help too.”

“You both are annoying, but then I choose to stay with my own mouth.”

And for that, he was grateful. Moving with delight, Haejin pushed his back out first from the table. Prolonging his hand to mess around Sora’s long hair then gifted with another rolled eyes.

Slowly.

Park Haejin promised himself that he would make all of these little gestures as habits.

“Let’s go down. He would be annoying if we made him wait for long.”

***

To say he didn’t predict the supper would be for three was a lie. Joohyuk knew if Haejin would also appear from the escalator even if he was specifically asking for Sora. Well, nevermind, he would be able to use the situation to sweeten the deal.

It was impossible not to notice that he wasn’t the only one who put his claim over Park Sora. While Joohyuk kept trying to get her attention, Park Haejin was silently filling up her glass of water or putting food on her plates. It wasn’t his style, but perhaps, there was a lesson there.

“Sorry, I need to take this call.”

He waved carelessly without really seeing where Park Haejin left to take the call. He was given a chance, so better use it wisely. Dragging his chair closer, Joohyuk put his face to block Sora’s view.

“Will you go home after this or go back to the office?”

“Office. I still need to discuss some things with the lawyer.”

“Is  _ hyung _ even paying you for all of these overtime works?”

“I get paid per hour, Nam Joohyuk. Don’t worry. You too only by this hour came back from the photoshoot?”

“Yeah, I started late because of class too. I have something to ask for your help.”

The lady snapped into attention with the word help. Perhaps, she felt guilty after all or better yet, started to open her heart a little bit bigger to put more concern in him. A better man would be wary, but then a lot of good men also missed their chances.

"Are you…"

“Are you, Park Sora?”

_ Wait, what? _

“Nam Joohyuk! You are also here."

The darn Seoul was too small for any private conversation. Joohyuk shifted his focus to four familiar faces who dragged the chairs even without asking. He noticed if Sora also remembered the people who just joined. Classmates. Knew names, knew stories but ended absurdly after entering the adult’s lives.

They weren't exactly close to each other. However, Joohyuk and Sora weren't living under the rock either during their highschool. They were famous best friends who while having different achievements, were having the same approach in life. The two people who dated around, but never dated each other. 

Park Sora, the bright child.

Nam Joohyuk, the golden lad.

He stayed the same.

While Park Sora insisted if she had changed.

Ironic how life turned into this way.

In some way, he could see why he was so close to Lee Sungkyung at the moment. The wild girl replaced the old Park Sora. But as the former one came back to his life, Joohyuk wasn’t satisfied with a mere resemblance anymore. He was serious when he stated if he needed his childhood friend. 

“How long have you been back to Korea? I heard from the pipeline, but you were so quiet.”

“Just several months, I’ve been busy.”

“You never come to the reunion, but I guess, you are still hanging out with Joohyuk.”

Sora, as usual, answered the question with a simple smile and a gulp of water. She didn’t want to explain but was too polite to rush out.

“We are heading out to the bar actually. Let’s join us.”

“Sora still needs to finish her job, how about I grant you the mighty Nam Joohyuk instead?”

“Wooo, I thought you need to keep your image clean.”

He did. Keeping his image fresh was essential. Good thing, he didn’t debut as an idol. Those guys had more restrictions than him. Though, he was the type who never shy away from the fun. The public thought he was flirting endlessly with Sungkyung and at his age, he was expected to hang around a bunch of friends when he had no project.

“You are only planning to go to a bar, as long as no one post my pictures, I will manage.”

“Cool, we won’t go wild, it’s weekdays. Then we will grab the takeaway, and you could join us when you are ready. See you next time, Sora.”

Next time.

Pretty sure Sora’s pretty little head already put a plan into motion on how to avoid another next time. Countering it for many times, Joohyuk knew if words didn’t fall from Sora’s lips, there was no use in making an assumption. In terms of social interaction, someone better get a hold of her signature before feeling sure of her appearance.

Still, if he kept filling the account, one day he would benefit from it, right? Moreover, he played the role in the front, in the spotlight. When his declaration was that loud, how could anyone decide to ignore?

“I guess you will need to go back with _ hyung _ again.”

There was a hesitation. He saw it clearly how Sora curled her fingers before releasing it. However, a smile bloomed when Sora tucked the corner of his hoodie so he would bend down to put his face closer. The girl was actually whispering in his ear like a teenager.

Bigger luck, exactly when Park Haejin entered the restaurant after his call finished.

“Don’t go back too late just for this. Thank you for covering for me.”

“I will ask you to pay for the favour later.”

It was so easy to bury his face on the top of Sora’s head. Leaving a fleeting kiss between the hair before her reflex took over and pushed him back with the palm of her hand. With a winning stamp on his face, Joohyuk waved towards Haejin and pointed out the crowd. Sora could explain the details in her own terms while he enjoyed the sweet moment in his head a little bit longer.

***

“I need to talk to you.”

“Is this about Youngkwang  _ sunbae _ again? Because I sort that out, if there are any other guys involved, I swear it’s not me.”

The need to throw something on Minhee was big, and it was an achievement for not doing so. She was actually putting a pout and a scout promise hand in the middle of the library. Still, Sora held her pen high, pretending it was a knife which would be ready to stab her dear friend.

“About that, what did you exactly tell him?”

“I basically repeated what you said to me and voila, he understood. Seriously, your relationship would be so much easier if you are willing to try it out with him.”

“It wouldn’t be easy on his side.”

“You have a strange charm, Park Sora. The more you are putting distance, somehow the more guys think they could catch you based on courtesy. However, you are right, it wouldn’t be easy for him.”

With as many flaws on her present, it wouldn’t be fair for anyone.

“I still have another question.”

“You can ask, as long as you won’t stab me to death.”

“Do you remember Haejin  _ oppa _ ?”

“Of course. That one time he picked you up from the school was making the headline for months. You didn’t even let me take a picture with him, bad girl.”

“Minhee, focus. I don’t want  _ oppa _ and Joohyuk to feel like I’m playing with their feelings, but they won’t listen when I push them back.”

“That’s exactly your problem, Sora. With any other guys, you could be cold and cut off the hope even from the start. But with these two guys, you care about them. Sure, you threw tantrums and stuff, but at the end of the day, you care.”

“So it’s wrong to care, but it’s one thing that I can’t deny.”

Even in her own ears, she knew what would be the comeback. She needed them desperately but she had nothing to give back. Nam Joohyuk stated a lot of expectations upon her. She denied it endlessly, but it also nagged on her whether she was just refusing because she thought she couldn’t or really, she wasn’t willing to try. For Park Haejin… well, he asked a thing at the time and converted others. Sora knew it, and she let him do it.

“It’s harder to pretend otherwise. Moreover, if they knew about it. True, there are a lot of types of care, you know, they don’t.”

“So the conclusion is no matter what I do because I care they would get hurt either way.”

“Sometimes you just need to give them a chance to be hurt rather than keep wondering what if. You’ll never know anyway, it’s not you who could decide the extent.”

It was the first, but Sora was opening both of her arms. It was she who needed the hug, yet Minhee walked in willingly for giving the embrace. They never fought with each other, but it felt like a resolution. Sora wouldn’t share her secret yet, maybe ever, but it felt nice to share for once.

“Look at you. From the innocent highschooler, now giving me love advice. I should promote your business card.”

And there she was, the one who flirted around, ended up couldn’t even bear a single touch. It has been so long for her to aim just to be ordinary. Even a bare minimum interaction was a bar too high for her.

“Oh, I would put a love doctor rather than a psychologist on my card.”

“A love doctor with a PhD degree. Why not practice your license in the hospital?” 

“Love is the hardest hurdle in life. Honestly, I don’t know whether climbing the ladder would be worth it. I want family, I want kids. As much as people keep telling me that I don’t need to choose, I do.”

“You choose knowingly, there was no shame in that.”

“Being an active psychologist has its own glory, but being a researcher, I could just focus on one thing at the time, maybe teaching classes as the professor would suit me well too.”

“In the shell, you are tired of fixing someone else’s problems.”

“That too.”

“Why aren’t you dating  _ sunbae _ ?”

“Park Sora, please. I don’t want to outsmart my boyfriend when I want to sulk. Dating people in our profession is a full-time job of cross assessing.”

“But you are going to do it to the poor guy.”

“I can play dumb when needed.”

Sadly, playing dumb in her case wouldn’t be enough. She couldn’t hide behind a veil of ignorance either. Both Joohyuk and Haejin could see it through. She came back to them because they were the familiarity which she needed, yet it caused her to crumble rather than rebuild.

“Loving someone is a complete job. I understand after watching you that wanting isn’t enough, you need to be ready, committed, and most of all have the spare love after loving yourself. I guess you weren’t just saying when you said it wasn’t the time for you.”

“It’s annoying to hear that line. We were educated to keep repeating that without actually willing to do it.”

“Indeed, as much as we try to help, the key isn’t in our hand, we are like a flashlight, showing the step, but you in this case, still need to do the walk.”

At the end of the tunnel, Park Sora wanted to hear the sound of her thanking herself.

***

> _ Sora. _
> 
> _ Can you spare me time this weekend? _

Sora stared at the chat which appeared on her laptop. She connected the messaging app to her desktop, but never really using it much. Other than sharing things from the office and exchanging remarks with Minhee. No one had her on social media.

It was a rare occasion for Joohyuk to resort to this method too. Glancing her phone screen, she realised, there were many miss calls when she put it in silent. He was really in a hurry if he tried to contact her in every option possible. Considering at this hour, she was sitting nicely in her office desk, perhaps giving an impression that they wouldn’t be in time to talk face to face at home.

> _ What for? _
> 
> _ I want to show you my world and how bright you could shine within. _
> 
> _ Speak simple words. I don’t understand. _
> 
> _ I want you to come to the yearly award ceremony with me so I can share my achievements with you. _
> 
> _ Aren’t you supposed to avoid scandal? _
> 
> _ I would take care of the details. Please, pretty, please? _

She didn’t need to convince herself that the sentences perhaps were coming out of love. Joohyuk’s language of love was solely based on how he perceived love. It wasn’t full of consideration, but she understood the intention. Perhaps in his mind, claiming her in public would equal the highest declaration of devotion. Regardless, would it be a part or whole?

> _ Will it make you happy? _
> 
> _ Very. But it will make you too. _
> 
> _ We have really different ideas of happiness. _
> 
> _ You promised to trade me a favour. _
> 
> _ I don’t know what to prepare for such an event. _
> 
> _ I just need your ‘yes’, and I will make sure your day wouldn’t be a waste. _
> 
> _ One time. I’m returning the favour, Joohyuk-ah. _
> 
> _ We might meet my mom there. I don’t really know whether my dad will come too or not. After all, they tried to avoid appearing in the public for the same occasion.  _
> 
> _ I would prepare myself. _

She gave her words, so she would own it. As it may be to repay the favour. Possibly because she reckoned there was nothing wrong with following Minhee’s suggestion. They were all adults with choices. She should stop making choices for others based only on her perspective on what might be good for them.

“Park Haejin, what did I say about making a sound and knocking on the door?”

"I did, but you didn’t hear me, so I was standing there creepily because I thought you were deep in your mind."

“Are you here for the report? I was distracted but will finish it soon.”

“You closed the case nicely with Lee Jongsuk, it was a nice touch doing it through video to lessen the pressure for his condition while getting him to talk on choosing the father, a review report could wait.”

Turning the screen of her laptop down, Sora motioned the guest to sit on the chair in front of her table. Haejin rarely came and left without a long talk, might as well get comfortable while doing it. 

“What is it?”

“Sora, we would have an outing to the park this Saturday afternoon, and maybe come back to the office afterwards.”

“I don’t think I will be able to join this week.”

“It’s fine, I will tell others, but can I ask why?”

He was letting her off too easy. It was only a get together then, there wasn’t any trap within just to make her spend time on his term. Sora ceased the speculation. She was comparing Haejin to Joohyuk. Two totally different people wouldn’t use the same mean even when dealing with the same person.

“Joohyuk asked me to accompany him to the award. I don’t know when it will start or finish, so I would rather not risk it.”

“Hmm, so you entered his lure then. Are you finally giving in to his confession?”

Was it a careful retreat that she heard lingering in his tone? Or just a simple interest in acknowledging her decision? About that….

“My reasoning for doing this wasn’t that deep. But if my answer to your question is to stay as we are, never moving forward or looking back, will it hurt you,  _ oppa _ ?”

“Hope is a bitch and a lot of people gave up on that because it hurt them holding into the tiniest against the impossibility”

True.

Why then it ached to let it spelt out?

Hope was the fluttering kick of being able to look over the small window when knowing there was nothing you could do to avoid dying in the filthy tiny vault. Letting someone continue one-sided love without even a promise of consideration would be painful for him and torturing for her.

The truth untold yet realised, she was apparently having one on her own.

“But Sora, it wasn’t you that gave me hope. It was I who chose to have one. One day you would look back and feel it was a precious memory to see someone was waiting for you or maybe you would never look into my way and it would be okay. You can keep going and just be happy about knowing someone ever stays without regret.”

“If I purposely use you. Would you still confidently say the same?”

Because it was a part of her plan. She decided to step up and Park Sora needed help even when it was given unknowingly. From her last nightmare, and the fact that she started to feel an urge of taking her pills when her control collapsed was a big warning sign.

“I wouldn’t blame you even after the bridge burnt to dust.”

***

Park Sora was there. In the corner full of books, sitting on the bean bag, so close within his reach. The moment Joohyuk walked from the corridor, she was the only thing that he could see, the one who mattered the most at the moment.

“Sora.”

She captivated him in a way no one ever would. If only she could see it the way he saw her.

Little did she admit, but he would declare it again and again.

Sora was his summer. The kind of beauty which warmed his heart with a gentle breeze but a burning passion. She was the best memory of his golden hours, with light and promise of the holiday. She was the escape from the world, yet also the home where he could hide.

It was so easy when he put all of his focus and mind into it. Putting Sora into her arms in one breath. Surrounding himself with the vanilla smell. The girl kept saying if she didn’t like to eat cakes, yet always smell like one.

“Just for a moment, please.”

She noticed the urgency and stopped struggling. It took him many times, imagining hugging her with the eyes closed. It always brought him back to his safe place. It was as he envisioned, only with less resistance. But it was understandable, right? After all, they spent so many times away from each other. He could taste the shivering, both palms balled just to force herself not to run away. It was with effort, but it wasn’t for nothing. The rational part of him asked to let go, but the other part was willing to risk everything just for lingering a little bit longer.

“What happened?”

“I just got rejected from the casting. I prepared so much, but still, I couldn’t get the script.”

A hand, awkwardly creeping towards his back to give several pats. He hugged her tighter for several seconds. Stolen time indeed felt more precious. She might think it wasn’t such a big deal, yet it was for him and she didn’t protest hearing the excuse.

Joohyuk noticed how Sora buried herself deeper in the beanbag once he moved over, how she tried to make herself smaller and moved her own palm to massage her neck. He felt dejected even without dispute.

“This is the only thing that I ask from you and I can promise you everything else. Why don’t you want to become my home, Sora?”

“I don’t know how, Hyuk-ah.”

“The previous you was enough. You didn’t need to be anything else other than yourself.”

“I don’t know whether I’m capable of doing the act or not. You would want comfort, touch, things other than my existence in a relationship. I despise all of it and you wouldn’t be the first one who would get disappointed after a while.”

Park Sora was considering it. He just needed to push a little bit more.

“At this point, any progress is better than nothing.”

“I could end up hurting both of us.”

The voice was small, but the meaning was crystal clear. How could someone, who was so thoughtful, could hurt anyone? Unintentionally, maybe? But it would be an easy fix where there isn’t a hard feeling, right?

“You will not.”

Park Sora would never betray him. She might curse, scream, or even kick him, but never she walked away from him. Sure, she would try to look tough in silence, but everyone knew if such a thing bothered her too.

“What you have might be an obsession rather than love.”

“But you care about me, right Sora? Isn’t this why you keep putting up with me. You come back while you could just continue your life, forgetting about us.”

She couldn’t say no.

“You are important to me, yes. But I care about a lot of people. I came back because I couldn’t forget and that’s exactly the reason.”

“Then why should you?”

“Even pretty things have dents and scars too, you are trying to overlook it. You remember the bright part, but I couldn’t be just that.”

He refused to hear the rest of her words, letting it fly through the ear and never made any impression. Typical, Joohyuk. He could hear Park Sora saying it while rolling her eyes and threw a pillow to his side. The lack of it actually worried him.

“Then try.”

"If I try, I wouldn't be just giving a chance to you."

“Do you want me to compete with  _ hyung _ ?”

“It’s not a competition and I’m not a prize. The reason why I am not dating anyone was not because of any of the guys lacking in anything. It was because I closed my eyes from the start. I wouldn’t be trying to compare both of you, I’m only starting on readying myself to have a relationship.”

“You can’t deny if I have a better start than the other.”

“I will not promise a relationship, but I won’t be biased to you anymore. Give me a bit more time. I don’t want us to stumble just because we expect each other to be someone that we are not.”

“I will prove you wrong, let’s see this weekend. You promised me to try, and I will show you the world that you are supposed to live in.”

The brightest starlet among the stars.


	8. Chapter 8

You knew that gut feeling when you felt something going to be wrong but you couldn’t point it out why. Sora was looking at the mirror, wondering which. The makeup was flawless, but she thought the scarlet lipstick wasn’t her colour. The hair was pretty, but the sleek hair dragged into the backside was showing her neck more than she was comfortable with. The dress… she didn’t even know where to start.

The v low cut was plunging down deeper than she was comfortable with. The sheer fabric in some places while flattering made her aware of some movement that she wasn’t supposed to do to keep it proper. 

In conclusion, she felt exposed and not in a good way.

As a scientist, she would brush the whole feeling as anxiety. Yes, she didn’t really want to go to the event, so everything would make her worry. There was an excitement, but it didn’t even cover the surface.

Terrified.

Yes, that was the right word to describe what she was feeling at the moment.

“You are so pretty, no wonder Nam Joohyuk- _ssi_ insisted on choosing this concept.”

Crap.

Now, whatever the protest she would raise, would be taken as a personal offence against her housemate’s taste. Still… swallowing the hard pill without even asking would just bother her for the rest of the evening.

“Is there any other formal gown that I can rent or buy?”

“You looked bewitching, darling. There is nothing that needs to be changed on the overall look.”

“But,” Sora held her tongue. There was no point in arguing which part was wrong, her disagreement was solely based on her own judgment, not the other person’s skills. “If you need Joohyuk’s approval for the settlement, I will be able to pay by myself.”

“There won’t be enough time if you are changing to something else. This is my masterpiece. You will go to showcase your beauty next to Nam Joohyuk like this.”

“Just a simple one. I look beautiful by your hand, but it doesn’t look like me.”

“Girl, the guy is spending money on you. You just need to be grateful and present yourself as eye candy.”

And she was left alone without any room to give another sentence back. Rude. She wanted to stomp out but not making a scene was such an important rule to Nam Joohyuk.

Sora felt like her reflection might sneer given the character on her own. The one looking back from the mirror wasn’t her. If this was someone who Joohyuk had in mind, she would never be able to achieve that.

How much confidence needed to ooze out from the painfully staked visual?

Was this an image that she’s been missing?

One that she was attempting to have back.

Or a child’s dream based on the what-if and illusions?

One which she would never be able to attain.

***

Second lead. Park Haejin couldn’t understand before why a lot of guys were willing to the second lead and despite the hype, he wouldn’t get the girl in the end. Though, on this day, he realised the second lead never thought if he was at the losing position. Perhaps, there wasn’t any calculation in the whole story. After all, he did all those stupid things for the lead female.

He received a call right after he walked to the parking lot. As promised, his company was spending a half-day in the park, trying to loosen their mind after the last winning court. Sadly, one of the stars couldn’t join. He was back in the office to receive another case. One which he was contemplating whether it was a good thing or not Sora wasn’t there in the room. He needed to break it down slowly when the time was right.

For now, the guy didn’t even miss a beat by saying yes. The destination changed after Joohyuk, from the other end of the telephone, asked him a favour to pick Sora up from the boutique. The excuse wasn’t exactly important. He just needed one to be able to justify doing so.

“Is there something in my face?”

_Close the jaw._

_Take a breath._

_Think about something to say._

“Well, you are beautiful if that was why I stare at you.”

“I heard a ‘but’ attached to it.”

“But you looked uncomfortable.”

“Is it that obvious?”

“It’s an easy fix, if you smile, no one would really notice. I just know you for too long to see it. Why? You looked beautiful.”

“Being beautiful actually doesn’t fix everything as people believe. Joohyuk paid for all of these, but I’m being spoiled and hating every single of it, so now I need to suck it up.”

“You keep giving away your stance to make him happy. One of these days, you are going to blow up.”

“Don’t worry, I wouldn’t ask you to clean up the mess.”

“Let’s go.”

He put his arm out so Sora would be able to use him to walk steadily. The high heels were in a killer range. A light touch, more like tasting the water rather than really depending on him. She didn’t waver, his Sora, after all, a grown-up with experience. The trip was short nevertheless, he didn’t park far away, knowing such a thing could happen.

“Do I want to know why you are chuckling?” Temper, temper, he could smell it a mile away.

“I remember how many times you had fallen when you learned how to use a stiletto.”

“I was fifteen and naive and my mom used to use those pretty high heels which I wanted to have. I thought the way she moved was flattering. Still, I was ready to use it by the time prom came.”

The dance which she was never able to attend and both of them refused to talk about it. It was years ago when the most important thing of his promise was to take one day off on his working day just to send Sora to the prom-like today. Park Haejin was promising silly things like teaching the lady how to drink and how to prepare herself as a newcomer in the college’s life. How many little promises they took it for granted ended up unfulfilled? How many that Sora would still silently wait so someone would hold the end of the bargain?

“It’s strange that you were always there in each of the events in my life.”

“Not all, I wasn’t in several important ones.”

“You and Joohyuk knew enough, _oppa_. I was often wondering what would change if we were given more time to be together, but these days, I was almost sure if I wouldn’t be the same Sora too.”

“I wasn’t there in any of your graduations and you have quite a lot, Sora. I wasn’t there at the airport when you left Korea. I wasn’t there when you got news about your father.”

And both of them knew he wasn’t there where one memory haunted Sora till this moment.

“I’m sorry about that.”

“It wasn’t your fault, _oppa_.”

“Still it didn’t mean it hurt you less.”

From the rear mirror, Sora could be seen looking far to the light outside. He hoped for a serene ot something that would steal the breath of a lady and make her excited. Yet it was void, Haejin wondered, how much time the woman was actually having a grab of the present, and how long she usually was stranded to the past.

“Do you want to visit your parents?”

He thought previously that Sora probably would be too busy to settle down first, then she would prefer to go by herself. However, as times passed by, Haejin noticed if Sora was just kept pushing it back. His mother asked about it as she, herself, went there frequently.

Both of Sora’s parents weren’t buried. They were cremated and the ashes were spread under designated new planted trees. It seemed like the right choice at the time with Sora's whole residency issue still in question. Other than hustling with a lot of maintenance, Sora could just pay the monthly fee for keeping the momento.

“I will go there by myself when I’m ready.”

“It would be a long drive.”

“It wasn’t like they could go anywhere anymore, _oppa_. Death was the furthest distance between us. Why are you here, really?”

“Apparently I’m the designated driver since Joohyuk is held back by something. He would meet you at the venue.”

“Do you think it’s a good idea for me to come?”

“I can always turn around the car and go home if you want.”

He could see Sora closing her orbs and taking a deep breath. It wouldn’t be hard to convince her but putting Sora on the cage wasn’t something that he intended to do.

“No, just keep driving. I promised him to do this, I can’t disappoint him just because of a sudden strike of cowardliness.”

Even when her answer would never be something that he could control. He decided to make decision-based on how ready Sora was. If being the supporting role was something that she needed, Haejin had no problem with acting like one.

“Sora, I hope you would really enjoy the night, but if not, you could call me.”

“Take a rest, _oppa_. I wouldn’t want you wasting your time waiting. Thank you for the ride.”

“Just go have fun, Sora. I would take care of how I spend my time. Go back safely later with or without Joohyuk.”

***

“I thought you will come with Sungkyung.”

Sora noticed if it wasn’t a good sign when someone else’s name was spelt when she was standing around. It wasn’t the first, and it was a clue that it wouldn’t be the last. At first glance, she knew who the woman was approaching them. Though, she didn’t think if the other party paid any notice to her. At this moment, she was a foreign entity to everyone in the room. However, the name. Was it the same girl that Minhee kept mentioning?

“Nice to see you too, Mom. Where is dad?”

“We made a deal not to appear at the same time. He would come after I received my award. So, with Sungkyung?”

“She is somewhere here with her own date.”

“Did you get dumped? Well, she’s probably better with someone else too, but you know the public sentiment around both of you.”

“Mom you're embarrassing me and you are being rude to Sora.”

Sora wished dearly, Joohyuk didn’t say that. She liked to observe, not the vice versa. It was quite chilling when she was the one who received the end of the full attention of the older lady. A small smile as a shield was hardly enough compared to the protection of all other adults in her childhood.

Na Younghee. At 58, she was shining more than some other younger famous females in the room. For a strange reason, Sora was more nervous about meeting her rather than the other mother. Perhaps, it was hard to feel the warmth from someone who was so distant even in her earliest memory.

“Are you? Park Sora, really? Forgive me, I couldn’t recognise you. How are you, Sora? I heard from Misook _unni_ if she came to your apartment and had lunch together.”

“I’m well. How are you? We did. It was one occasion. I’m sorry that I haven’t put aside time to visit you too, _imo_.”

“Sure… Sure…. Did you ask him to bring you here?”

“Mom.”

“Oh, it’s not that I’m bothered that he came with you, but well… he never told me anything anymore. Maybe we should have lunch sometime, my manager will contact you later.”

With the fact that there was no way, the manager would know her phone number. Sora realised if the words should be regarded as a whim of pleasantries. It wouldn’t happen and probably brought comfort to everyone involved.

“Mom.”

“Sure.”

“Well, Sora. Behave well. Joohyuk is getting his award tonight. You looked pretty, it wasn’t a bad attraction to Joohyuk, so it would be okay.”

Sora put up a smile. It’s not like she would kick the guest and trip them over. What types of good behaviour she was expecting from her? Considering everything, it was also probably counted as the highest compliment that she could get from Na Younghae.

“Maybe it would be even better if you are accompanying me. You wouldn’t mind talking to me, right?”

She couldn’t put up a good fight. Not when the one who was supposed to act as her shield thought it wasn’t a bad idea. A small nod, enough permission to let her step be led for the whole night.

***

“Is that the girl?”

Designated seat. Sungkyung believed in each and every person had their own position in this world. While a person could chase one, not everyone could fight fate and exchange the position.

Like today, no matter who Joohyuk came with, by the rule of society, the guy sat next to her while politely waiting for the announcement. From the corner of her eyes, she could see the pretty girl who made the buzz on her appearance. They dressed up almost in a similar manner. Joohyuk took her advice seriously, without realising if Sora was the shadow on his memory while she existed in the same frequency as his reality.

“Yes, but I will not introduce you to each other.”

“Well, your mom introduced her around several times as her niece. So Nam Joohyuk’s date today would be his dear cousin in the eyes of media.”

Sungkyung expected to see annoyance, fury, or at least a sense of dilemma, but a calculating visage wasn’t one of them. Nam Joohyuk apparently counted upon the reaction of his mother in order to roll the whole scheme. The guy was damned serious and no wonder he didn’t see such a big hole in his plan.

“You didn’t think it was a bad idea, isn’t it?”

“I don’t want her to get any idea to shove me away just because I have other girls, but yes, when I’m impulsive to have her around, introducing her as someone who I court might jeopardise her routine too.”

“You are not twelve, both of you can talk it out. You are scheming the thing which only people in our industry understand.”

“She would understand, she always does.”

“You sound like protecting her, but really you are protecting your own interest, Nam Joohyuk.”

“I’m doing it to avoid complicating things.”

“You are so selfish.”

“Aren’t we all? I can’t leave this world, but I need her to be here. I just need to make her see it.”

True. She knew what she wanted. That was exactly why she would let Joohyuk break his own heart and she would pick up the pieces later. Sungkyung raised her flute and clank the glass surface towards Joohyuk’s own flute. 

“Your bet is too high on this, but I want the front row to watch.”

***

Putting her head in between her legs helped. Sora was retching and shaking so bad. She didn’t touch a single drop of alcohol. Grateful with the fact that she wasn’t intoxicated so she could run away quite fast. But still she required time to let it all out of her system. She was safe. For the moment. It needed to sink in.

Sitting on the cold bench in the empty park by 2 am wasn’t exactly an activity that she would like to indulge in, but the other option was worse. Massaging her cramp ankle, her mind was racing, she needed to find a way home.

Calling Haejin was an option, she just needed to turn back on her phone. He actually texted her several times just to make sure she was okay after passing the time when she said she would be back home. But she wanted time to cry out loud and even out her breath. Focusing on herself rather than letting the PTSD run riot like the last time.

Sora almost did it until she realised that the older guy would make a big deal about it. He would take it personal, as from the start, he already noticed how negligence Joohyuk was. She was upset with Joohyuk, but she didn’t want to get someone else involved to fix it.

She didn’t foretell if her partner for the night would leave her alone in the middle of the crowd. He made sure people saw them together but didn’t actually involve her in many of the conversations. Sora could understand when they were in the award ceremony. Na Younghae was putting a steel claw over her arm, not letting her be seen with Joohyuk when she wasn’t involved. 

She begged him to let her go home rather than going to the after-party. Several excused, and she ended up standing next to the bar, feeling confused. She could grind her teeth, letting herself feel miserable for some time.

Joohyuk promised her the world. Even when from the start she realised it wasn’t one that she wanted. Still, she wanted to have a taste of it. Her lips kept saying that she was there solely to support the guy. Still…. She was drowning in her own expectation.

Was it her fault again? 

Blaming herself wasn’t exactly a nice thought. 

Blaming Joohyuk would bring her nowhere.

The fact remained, it happened. 

Walking out from the club by herself with a simple thought that Joohyuk would find her when he finished. Buzzing with noises, she just wanted to find a quiet place to wait when she walked straight to an empty alley.

Two men were standing in the corner. Realising it was somehow blocked, Sora was halting ready to turn back when another one appeared nonchalantly behind her back. One tap on her shoulder, another stated if he saw her inside the club and wondered whether she would want to join them for another breed of fun.

She must have looked like a crazy person, swinging her purse wildly. Perhaps, it was her eyes, frantically saying she would do anything to escape that made the three guys backed out for a moment. Maybe it was the sudden ring on her phone. It could be the combined luck of the emergency door from another corner of the block suddenly swung open.

Gosh, even her head wasn’t a good place to be.

Knowingly she was torn in between victimising herself, but also victim-blaming her whole decisions. Breaking it down everything to small pieces was her way to cope all of these times. Yet, she couldn’t get the explanation for this.

“Sora, there you are. I was looking for you.”

The smell of alcohol hit her first. Sora needed to fight her own response to backing up further, but she opened her eyes, clenching her fist, bracing for another hit. She supposed to want comfort. A normal girl would feel relief rather than wanting to flee. Nam Joohyuk was supposed to be one of her safe people. 

“Why are you sitting there, it’s dirty.”

It was the discontent that she sensed. Directed toward her. This was not a happy carefree drunk Nam Joohyuk. It was the side that she never saw before. After everything, it wasn’t just her the one who changed. He did too.

“Is that the only thing that you can see?”

“Nevermind. Why didn't you answer my call.”

“Do you want to know what happened to me?”

“This is childish, Park Sora.”

She was.

She wanted to be pat. 

She wanted someone to tell her if everything would be okay. 

She wanted someone to take away the pain.

She wanted someone to understand.

But wanting wasn’t something that necessarily would help her to survive. At this time, Park Sora needed to pick up her fractured self with her own hand, and stood up with her own feet. She was done crying. She was done hoping. 

Today, Sora realised how much expectation she was putting on the empty vow. 

She was crushed every time she relied on anyone, including Nam Joohyuk.

“Let’s just go home. I don’t want to fight.”

***

“You are upset.”

“Thank you for noticing and yes, I am.”

“What is it this time?”

Joohyuk could see the tone of his voice made Sora scuttled further from him. He should just let it drop, but his own ego said no. He couldn’t be tiptoeing around Sora every time she felt bad about something. Equal footing.

Sora was giving him a silent treatment throughout the ride. Even with the fact that she was letting him borrow her shoulder to reduce the throbbing pulse on her head, Joohyuk could feel the cold anger. He was trying to sober up, but it wasn’t easy when he gulped so many shots to celebrate the day.

Oh, his mind was still sound and loud. But the hangover cut his temper short. The kick of the buzz also fueled something else. It was supposed to be a happy day, why the centre of his affection seems determined to fight him tooth by tooth.

“You don’t want to have this conversation now. Let’s just talk in the morning, I need to think it through.”

Standing in front of the apartment, Joohyuk wanted to get into his bed as soon as possible with his condition. However, knowing there would be another guy who could interrupt their conversation, he was stubbornly holding Sora’s wrist to stay where they were.

“Oh, you mean you will run away again and I need to chase you? You kept saying you won’t hurt me. Put some sense, Sora. These are exactly things that could hurt me.”

He said it.

“I never ask you to. You are wasted. Tomorrow, Nam Joohyuk. This is the talk that we both might regret.”

“Stop using me as an excuse. You know I would just back down and rush after you are given time. It isn’t fair. Is it hurting your pride to be a compliment to me for once? I’m sorry that I couldn’t just snap my finger and go home when you asked.”

Yes, they could have left after the ceremony and refused to go to the after-party. However, it would jeopardise a lot of his future plans. Mingling, for people like him, was as important as getting the job done itself.

He didn’t expect Sora would walk away like that. He spent an hour looking for her. Crying on the open space, ignoring his call. 

“You know it has nothing to do with whether I would be arm candy to you or someone else. It’s not about you, Nam Joohyuk. I just can’t.”

“But I’m proud of you and all of them appreciate the fact that you come. A lot of people were complimenting you. I thought after a while, you could also mingle by yourself.”

“You are showing me around not as what I am but with the image that they would accept. For how long should I act?”

“I want you to see how bright you are. I want people to see you the way I see you.”

“I’m not the version in your mind.”

It was that word again. How to make her 

“Honestly, Sora. I don’t understand. You went to court with _hyung_ all the time. Talk in public, argue for cases and even give presentations. Why are you so upset with the attention that is given by people in my line of work.”

It hurt his pride to compare. The Park Haejin who always had everything by doing nothing.

“Is it my mom? You know how she is…”

“I was told to behave like at this age I would go around kicking everyone ass or maybe flirting around with handsome actors.”

“You know if the image is everything for her. She was just looking out for me.”

“Your mom bothered me. It was true, but she wasn’t the reason. This is between us.”

"You only wanted me within your palm, but never had me in your plan, right? You never invited me to be a part of your life, but also keep avoiding mine."

“I didn’t expect you to run headfirst into my life without knowing whether you would be capable or not. You couldn't expect me to keep up with your speed. I'm afraid, Hyuk-ah.”

“You were so close yet so distant. Are you actually trying?”

“What proof do you want me to give, Nam Joohyuk?”

“I’m putting effort into coming to you, stop pushing me away. When someone is taking this much courage to pursue you, at the very least is to take one step forward.”

“I took one, but you don’t see it because it wasn’t as a big leap as yours.”

It was that easy. They did it once, there was no reason why he couldn’t do it for the second time. With one jerking, Sora’s came forward and he reached the lips. The exact spot where he kept a wonder of imagination. 

A moment of shock.

That’s how he put it when Sora didn’t react.

His stubborn Sora.

He couldn’t have mistaken a passion for aggression, right?

When a small space appeared and he was more than ready to deepen the connection, sharp pain and smell of blood this time was the one which stopped him.

***

Sora didn’t know if she could slap someone that hard, but she did. Pushing him afterwards was easy. Joohyuk was leaning on her, putting most of his body weight on her small form, unable to preserve his own balance. She could taste the blood in her lips, spill over a bite that she forcefully left on the counterpart.

She could imagine how bad was Joohyuk’s headache at the moment, but she couldn’t care less. 

It was her fault trying to rationalise with someone’s drunk, thinking there was some sense left underneath.

The cold sweat, nausea, but overcome the whole thing, it was the anger that woke her up. She wanted to get better, but it didn't mean she should just get on with it. Closing her eyes and praying the whole thing would go away fast wouldn't fix anything.

She was trying, putting her feet forward to get better. Though at the moment she realised that she wanted it in her own pace, rather than being shoved and tripped.

"You pushed me away."

"I trusted you, Nam Joohyuk. You can't keep breaking it like this."

All hell went loose. She didn’t care whether Joohyuk would be too drunk tomorrow to remember or ended up burying her seven feet under after seeing how much resistance she kept putting up today.

“Do you think I don’t want to date like everyone else? Do you think I don’t crave touch, or a simple hug, or a kiss that you keep trying to take? What can I do if everything that I want is so revolting? And you, when I tried to build up the courage, you crumbled it every single time.”

It was upsetting her even more. Knowing rather than looking menacing, she was on her last inch of frustration. Full of snot and tears. 

Apparently it was that person who would clean up the mess.

“I need your help. Joohyuk is drunk and I can’t drag him up.” She turned off the call without waiting for another answer. From the background, a big thud was enough clue if Haejin was standing up from wherever he was sitting.

The conversation was finished. Sora didn’t even lend her hand to help Joohyuk to get up from his position. Walking to the entrance, she rather waited under the bright light. At the very least, with the CCTV in place, Joohyuk wouldn’t be tempted to make another scene.

“Sora, are you?”

“I’m not okay, but I don’t want to talk about it now.”

“Did you get hurt anywhere?”

Trying to understand where it came from. With all the mess and how she appeared, the sudden request, the concern was justified. She shook her head. Sora marked the small difference that weighed more than she realised. 

The open palms. Inviting, yet hovered where they were. On both sides of her arms, without touching.

“Go upstairs I will take care of the rest. You are safe, Park Sora.”

***

“I want to learn how to drive.”

Haejin stared at the girl in front of him, who had a face full of determination. He was only stepping up from his room, barely awake and was going straight to the espresso machine when she saw Sora was sitting quietly at the dining table.

She was back in one of her shapeless shirts. Hugging both of her knees, yet showing teeth ready for someone to oppose her. It was painful to see under all of that determination, she was so confused about her own ruling.

Looking back on how he needed to carry a drunk yet talkative Nam Joohyuk from the apartment’s gate to his room, Haejin actually expected some sort of retaliation from Sora. He just didn’t know this would be it. The storm was brewing in the bay.

Something happened between them again. With a swollen labrum, he could guestimate one of the affairs. He was glad, somehow Sora was able to fend for herself, but he rather she had no urgency to do so from the first place.

“While I'm not opposing it, I need to know whether you suddenly made a decision because of what happened last night?”

Sora was warming up to Joohyuk’s persistence. One kiss wouldn’t be the only motivation to gallop many steps back. Haejin didn’t like the probability of confronting Joohyuk. They were family and he used to protect the younger one too. But in between his little cousin and his little secret, he knew who would be the winner.

“Partially, but I just realise how vulnerable I was just because I don’t have this skill.”

“It's understandable. I always drive you around. From the office, Jongsuk took you to the court. Joohyuk matched his schedule with yours so he could tail you around in the university. On a rare occasion, taxis and buses were enough.”

“Both of you are spoiling me beyond measure, but it doesn't help. You wanted me to be dependent, you wanted me to be selfish. I can’t be everything that you want and nothing at the same time."

“What happened last night?”

“It’s not important, telling you wouldn’t change anything.”

“If you are this agitated, it probably is.”

“I don’t know whether I was almost mugged, kidnapped or raped last night after the party. I could speculate all the way, blaming everyone in between, but there would be no use if I couldn’t fix it.”

He put down the cup back on the table. The simple tone woke him up faster than the caffeine. There was a finality on the stress of the sentence. One which he wouldn’t pursue further. Sora was safe here. She knew it. He needed to swallow the worry and accept that too.

“And about Joohyuk. Did he do something else to you?”

“It is between me and him. I would quit his romance fantasy. You should stop it too. I was scared of the expectation that both of you put on me, but I guess, was also afraid of my own expectation of you. I guess I lied when I said I didn’t want romance. I want it but I’m not capable of having one.”

“Romance isn’t that complicated, Sora. It isn’t always a physical thing or status. I fell into you on my own. When I put my heart for you and let you know, it is already romance on my part. When I do something for you, it was for my own selfish reason so I don’t need you to do anything for me.”

“It’s suffocating, oppa. I can’t keep losing someone precious, you would hate me by the end of it too.”

“Just use me, Park Sora. I wouldn’t blame you. We played the game of guessing while what you need was just to ask. All of my decisions would be based on you, but my feeling would only be my responsibility.”

There was no more reply, but a slow movement, full of reluctance, a pinky nudged the edge of his thumb. A silent request which he understood when Sora was putting her head lower on the table with her eyes closed.

He wove his fingers in her hair. Carefully tugging strains to the back of her ears and began to pat the top slowly. It was the only console that she could accept, while he was ready to give so much more. How much of this could lighten her burden when she used to impose self solitude?

“So when do you want to start?”

“Let’s go out now. I don’t want to see Joohyuk when he sobered up today.”

“Grab some breakfast?”

“Only after I send back the damned dress and pay for the damage. There is no way I’m going to another party again.”

“Then I will get ready.”


	9. Chapter 9

“Would you be okay to work in this case? Some women found it too much when they started to work on the field.”

Even without him telling the details, Sora knew which case that the CEO was referring to. The drugged rape case of the former trainee in the entertainment industry. It was the tip of the iceberg. The whole thing was nasty from the start. The victim only knew when someone forwarded her a video- apparently paid one- in the closed internet platform.

The platform was another matter entirely, but people seem to brush the details if there were many culprits to make the whole operation running. Even when the head was cut, there were names and names hidden behind anonymity. Another one of the victims contacted the firm several days ago and Haejin had been secretive about it, this one knew the culprit but had no way to prove it.

A long brainstorming until Haejin found the silver lining between the two reporting victims. There was one active member in the platform doing the deeds repetitively. Through his contact, he even found that the other party had a lawyer on his own, ready to clean any mess in case the thing pointed out in that direction.

It wasn’t a case that he would distribute to a green lawyer. Which luckily, he had one who would bite through the problem willingly. However, when Sora was assigned to assist Lee Jongsuk, she would know if he intentionally moved her paw on it.

“Are you asking this as the CEO of the company or as someone who is close to me?”

“No one would question your qualifications, but I know how you usually react, Sora. You were agitated that bad with Joohyuk, things which have been done to these women were much worse.”

“There is a funny rule in the medical world, oppa. A patient could choose his doctor, but a doctor can’t choose his patient. For better or worse, I can’t keep avoiding this. I would handle it, even on the legal side of it..”

They were raw victims, no one did anything to help them yet. In normal circumstances, having a psychologist like Sora would be no doubt an asset. However, even he couldn't say it out loud that it might hit Sora close to home. He was expecting Sora to have more time before actually digging into her research. When the opportunity was presented on the gold platter, people usually didn’t notice the maggots within.

“You know it wouldn’t be easy and there is no guarantee if they would agree, right?”

“I know even if we win the case, they might not agree to be one of my subject research. But I would still provide them with a full consultation and aid for this case. My research was one thing, but I genuinely also want to help the victims.”

“It would be hard to explain the ethical side of it when people are in shock.”

“I’ll never know until I try..”

“Promise me if you will come to me when it’s too hard.”

“Of course, I will still beg you to give me another driving class.”

“I will do almost everything for you, but you need to know if you are a terrible driver and I’m risking my life with my car insurance to do that.”

He didn’t count this as a full victory. After all, Sora would still go ahead with being involved in the case. She would get hurt, and he couldn’t do much other than be ready to soften the blow.

“Such big scarification. Does it fit the bill of using you as you requested, oppa?”

“We will see the state of my car after you get the license.”

“Anyway, thank you.”

“Don’t get hurt too bad, Sora.”

“I will try.”

Well, at least, the lady didn’t try to pretend that she would be above the hit.

***

“Let me guess, you did mess up.”

Joohyuk threw the juice bottle on his hand towards the newcomer. Lee Sungkyung, with her own smirk, took a seat next to him. Both of them were scheduled for a booklet photoshoot. A full day work and he was a little bit grateful that it would be with someone who could handle his mood.

“Pointing out doesn’t help.”

“What did you do? I saw you leaving the club drunk alone.”

“I was drunk, but I went out to look for Sora first.”

“And you have no idea what have you done this time, right?”

He was too drunk to understand. He couldn’t recite back what Sora was saying and even the bit and pieces which he remembered weren’t making much sense. They were fighting. Again. He kissed her and was pushed away. More likely was slapped too.

There was his cousin getting involved at some point. Joohyuk didn’t know whether it was a good thing or not. Park Haejin would probably stop him from messing up even further. However, the comparison would be clear when they were standing side by side. One fully coherent and the other barely could lift his head up.

He could ask, but rather not.

“I need to fix this somehow. Make her understand.”

“I don’t get it. You can get any girl that you want. Well, not any but at least plenty. Why fix your eyes only to this one? She was lovely, but she made it clear that even if she cared about you, she wouldn’t fit into all of this.”

“I would make her.”

“This is an obsession, Nam Joohyuk.”

“Park Sora was my whole childhood. You see how my parents operated. They divorced when I understood the separation was real and none of them wanted to have me as their burden. I left the house wasn’t because I was ready. Both of my parents wanted to have space for their new partner without me as the reminder of their imperfect world.”

At the very least, his parents put up appearances in front of their friends. Once in a while, he got to taste what it could be when his family was one and whole. When Sora left, everything collapsed. No one even pretended to care.

True, his cousin’s family checked on him. However, once in a while, he could see how they were trying to compare the two together. He was the benchmark. The standard of at the very least Haejin supposed to surpass, even though the other was much older than him. There was nothing that he did, Haejin couldn’t do. 

Other than becoming a workaholic, Joohyuk didn’t see any changes in Haejin’s life. It wasn’t even related to Sora. Everyone knew if Park Haejin always wanted to climb the ladder. Making an even bigger gap between the two of them so he needed to go towards a different way just to stop being compared. So, why did his cousin still need to stay in front of his way to reach back to Sora?

Sora was the one who held the key to the illusion. It took him a while to understand that while the illusion shattered, Sora would also be the one who could rebuild it in real life. It was an obsession. He noticed it from the first instance when a flutter of hope came after Sora decided to come back to Seoul.

“She was everything good in my memories. When I was sick, I wanted her more than my mom. When I succeeded in something, she was the one whom I contacted to share the news.”

Perhaps it was insecurity after all.

Park Sora was the only person who could see his vulnerability. He couldn’t do that all over again with someone else. They fought a lot, but her arms were the warmest when he needed it. She made him forget and she made him understand that it was okay to receive love.

Even far, Joohyuk contacted his childhood friend for every single news that he had. Sora was the centre, but apparently, she couldn’t see past the fact she changed. Why forcing the bad transformation while they could always just go back to the best time of their life by staying the same?

“She was in your past. Any other girl would probably be able to replace that if you let them.”

“If it was that easy, we wouldn’t have this conversation, aren’t we?”

***

“Did you get any answer from your morning visit?”

More than one head shifted the attention towards Sora. She shook her head, knowing her failure was predicted by the whole office. There were not many words of encouragement after that. She didn’t expect one too, getting a statement brought another type of struggle when they were standing in such balance.

“No, she didn’t even let me in. I think we better move to another one on the list and give her some time.”

Sora put her bag down, buried herself straight away on the list of names and addresses which were stapled on her table. She felt exhausted physically and mentally. Personally, she prepared a speech for each and every name.

_Why did she suspect them as a victim?_

_Where did she get the video and their contact?_

_If she could find them, how about others?_

_How many other unidentified females who rather stay that way?_

No matter how gently she tried to explain, it wouldn’t change the fact that there were people who were scrutinising the videos which were not supposed to exist in the first place in order to identify them. That was exactly what Sora did after Haejin pulled some strings. Some other names were floating around the chat which they were able to encrypt from the first reporting victim.

“They were all suspected as victims of the same guy. Without their statement, our case wouldn’t be able to process further.”

“I can’t force people to give statements, some things are better buried deep.”

“You said in the last meeting, you have a way to motivate the other victims to speak up.”

Her annoyance surfaced from knowing where the lawyer would bring the conversation towards. True, she was giving an objective assessment and plan for the last meeting. However, she clearly stated her reluctance on going ahead with anything which could hurt the victims.

“If we can make one of the victims go public with her statement and then shift the public’s opinion, it might help the case. But I wouldn’t sacrifice one for another. It would be my last resort.”

“Do you think it’s fair for the culprit to instil fear and leave unpunished?”

“It isn’t my decision to be made.”

Sora stood up from her chair, moving backwards since Jongsuk was invading her space. She realised that she was holding her pen a little too hard, putting it in between herself and the lawyer.

A friend.

Do not stab.

“It isn’t easy for a rape victim to fight for her case. Sometimes it wasn’t only her body that needed the protection, but everyone else around her.”

“The faster they admitted if they were also the victim, the faster we could provide protection and access to a safe place.”

“Admitting someone violated what you held precious and you somehow failed to protect it was another matter.”

“We are lawyers. From the legal perspective and justice. The culprit needs to be punished.”

“The culprit! The culprit! Aren’t lawyers supposed to work on the request of the client, the victim? This case wasn’t supposed to be another count towards your end bonus, Lee Jongsuk-ssi. Why are we even covering his name?”

“We wanted to catch him under the law, Sora not social justice. And the client already took the first step, we just need to push her further and gather a stronger case.”

Oh, so the angle would be her, not doing her job. Sora was ready to retort back when the door opened with a loud thud. The screaming contest invited another player and she was so ready to put out another piece of her mind.

“Park Sora, please come to my office.”

Everyone heard it out loud. There was a please attached but the tone wasn’t a request. A loud sigh followed behind her back. Her partner knew if they were just pending the fight for another session.

“Before you start, I’m not a little child to be scolded privately. You can give the opinion out there too.”

“Are you upset, Sora-ya?”

“It’s become your favourite question these days. I am but not because of all of you. It’s just not fair. The system, the process, why those girls needed to go through all of this.”

“The world is unfair. We established that a long time ago. That’s why you and I are trying to stick with the law.”

“Are we? We are pressuring them. I wouldn’t want someone to keep poking me when I wasn’t even ready to admit the terrible thing happened to me.”

“But it’s not about you. What I want to ask from you is to give them a chance to know that if they are willing to fight, we would be there to shield them.”

“Would you, _oppa_? For how long? Things like this last longer than the court.”

“I will ask one more time. Is that what you wish or what they wish for Park Sora? Being protected and pretends nothing happened to the rest of the world.”

_Yes._

_No!_

_Damn to the bowel of hell, Park Haejin._

“Now I’m upset with you.”

“I hit the nerve, right?”

“I will give you the answer when this is all finished.”

“None of us are here against you, Sora. Just remember that and we will work it out. You are not the only one shouldering the responsibility.”

***

“Go away! I don’t want to talk to you.”

“Kim Seohyun- _ssi_ ,”

Sora entered the car. Parked on the almost empty alley, it was a good spot to monitor the area. No one would really notice or be able to peep with a dark tinted window. Her partner, Lee Jongsuk was watching with hawk eyes while munching.

She took a walk after feeling so frustrated about what happened. Following the consensus and half threatening notice if Go Ara would just replace her on the stake, Sora finally resorted to her last plan.

Even without expectations, the rejection still hurt.

She learned that today and wondered how much pain that she inflicted on her own.

“Have some kimbab,”

“Thanks, Jongsuk- _ssi._ ”

“You know you don’t need to be here, right?”

“Well, you too. You could just gather evidence in the afternoon rather than doing a stakeout like this.”

“In a lot of cases the culprit would go back to the scene, moreover in this one, he didn’t get any trophy and we made enough noises.”

The explanation was so logical, but Sora still wasn’t convinced that it would be the only reason for someone to sleep in between the hard surface and the cramping of the car. But it was enough. For whatever reason, Jongsuk was putting himself in between the victim and the unexplainable anxiety.

“I’m sorry I lashed out at you.”

“You had a story, everyone could see that people gossiped around and you ignored it, but if Park Haejin thought you would be able to manage it, I wouldn’t doubt otherwise.”

It stung her pride, but what the lawyer said wasn’t exactly wrong. The basis of trust upon her credibility was only from Haejin’s statement. She was an unknown professional in South Korea. Even when they googled her name, Sora wasn’t really well versed in the legal system too.

She didn’t mind proving herself to make it fair and square. After all, everyone in the office treated her with respect and was willing to guide her through the muddle. 

“I know you didn’t want to convince the trainee to make a public announcement, but it wasn’t such a bad thing to let others know they were not alone.”

“It will crush her, _byeonhosa-nim_.”

“Or it might give her strength. Keeping a secret sometimes would rot your own conscience.”

“You are a good person,”

“You had a different opinion about me several days ago.”

“I still think a lot of your ways aren’t considerate, but I see where it was coming from.”

“Uh-oh, now I know why Park Haejin is so smitten by you.”

“He’s asking for heartbreak, right? Would you be there to hold his hand when he realised if it wouldn’t go anywhere?”

“You would be surprised. Did you ever see a lion hunting? When the lion chose the prey, he would stick with it even when it means he would go hungry for some time. No one ever wins over sunbaenim on his waiting game.”

Would it be any different for her if at that time she knew someone was fighting that hard to uncover the truth for her? To acknowledge something bad did happen and it wasn’t her fault, to begin with.

Or nothing would change. 

Was it comforting knowing someone was silently waiting?

“Where are you going?”

“I will knock the door one more time and leave the food in front of her door.”

“I don’t think she will talk to you just because of that.”

“Perhaps not, but sometimes it helps just to know someone is out there guarding her. Moreover, I didn’t see her coming out for groceries today. We might disturb her plan for the day.”

“Suit yourself. It’s not like we are going anywhere.”

So, she did.

Knocking the door one more time.

Offering a hand and hope if she tried to open her own door, someone else would prove if the thing was possible.

***

It would be so easy for him to put his hand on the top of Sora’s head, moving it in line following her hair and tugged in the stray on the back of her ear. But he didn’t do it despite the proximity and the fact, Sora wouldn’t realise it at all.

Instead, Haejin stood up and took a blanket from his room to cover the laying body. By reflex, the lady scooted in deeper to the fabric and let herself sink inside the sofa. With only her nose above shown, Haejin stifled the laugh into the back of his palm.

The hard week has been taking a toll on all of them. Sora’s patience was wearing thin and she took each and every victim as her own personal responsibility. She barely ate or slept. After the phase of snapping unto anyone, Sora was noticeably becoming more jittery.

As a leader, he had the obligation to put a stop in this. After all, his employees' well being was above other matters. As someone who self-appointed himself on taking care of Park Sora and confessing his love, he was trying to weigh whether his affection would cripple or help the lady. Hence, Haejin made an excuse on servicing the office air conditioner just to kick everyone from working on the weekend.

They were reading documents together after a quiet lunch. He coaxed Sora to make dumplings from scratch, making a point to tire her out physically and letting out her frustration at the poor flour skin. So far, it was working.

A click and careless shoes dropped.

Not every wish could be granted by the universe. The false peace was too good to be true anyway. Nam Joohyuk was walking into the living room and sat on the side of Sora’s feet. 

“What is she doing there?”

“She didn’t sleep for several days after being in stakeouts with Jongsuk.”

“Whose fault is that?”

No one. 

Not every bad decision would be a mistake if it was a necessary step in the bigger plan. 

Not hers.

Not his.

“I could carry her to her room.”

“She doesn’t like to be touched and you know that.”

Without tilting his head up, Haejin knew what Joohyuk tried to do. Yes, he wanted to steal a bit more time with Sora next to him, but his argument was nevertheless valid. The woman wouldn’t be happy knowing her body was being moved around without her consent.

And well, the relation between Sora and Joohyuk was stale on their best days. Joohyuk couldn’t understand why he wasn’t the first priority in Sora's life at the moment. Two nights ago, he was storming out from the dining room when Sora’s was ignoring him for half an hour.

He didn’t interfere when his cousin rushed out and slammed the door and later realised if Sora didn’t even do it purposely. She was so immersed in her research and documents compiled that she even spooned a full scoop of salt and swallowed it without blinking. Haejin interfered when the so-called condiment almost entered her tea.

“Let her be. There is no harm done for her to sleep in the living room. Once she wakes up, I will tell her to move to her bedroom.”

“You don’t have the right to do this, interfering with me or deciding what’s good for her.”

“The same thing applies to you, Hyuk-ah.”

“I’m her boyfriend.”

“Not yet, Nam Joohyuk.”

“I kissed her.”

His hand curled into a ball and it took him several deep breaths to relax the fingers and found his voice. Rubbing it into his nose wasn’t a good move, but Sora did handle the situation without asking his help.

“I noticed, it didn’t bring you anywhere and it would be the last time you were able to do it. I would press charges if you keep forcing yourself on her.”

"Would you be fine if she’s two-timing us? Or are you ready to become the perfect third wheel?"

"No one is forcing you to keep pursuing her. She's not ready and when she is, we will know."

“You are waiting for me to mess up, right?”

“Both of us like her, but the decision isn’t in our hands, she will decide when she’s ready. It’s not one or another. She’s not a game that we would need to keep the point to compete.”

“You know she was upset with me.”

“Believe it or not, we don’t talk about you all the time. Sora had other matters in her mind.”

“I never feel this way about other girls. You know that I need her more than you. Let her go, _hyung_. It’s easy for you to receive love.”

“You never want to see someone else’s point of view, Hyuk. You don’t know what I need and you don’t know hers. I’m sorry that your parents messed up, but Sora isn’t the cure for all the heartache.”

“Do you then? The mighty Park Haejin who knows it all?”

“Let’s continue this conversation somewhere else. She would wake up if we kept arguing.”

“Maybe we should wake her up so she could decide as you said.”

“You choose the term based on your convenience, right Nam Joohyuk?”

Haejin caught Joohyuk’s wrist before it touched the edge of the blanket. Sora was stirring, and his need to provide such a basic sanctuary was disturbed. 

“I would not do anything if she chose you, but I would not let you keep hurting her. There is no need for love if your devotion would only burn her down.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was really hard to write, I was wondering about how to put comforting words on a sensitive topic. I hope anyone who read it would find some support in it.

“You are too close to _hyung_.”

Despite living and attending the same university, Joohyuk realised that it was so hard for him to intercept Sora’s schedule. She was always on run, and when she did not, there would be his cousin around. The living arrangement annoyed him, but he also realised that they would go three separate ways if he tried to remove Haejin from the equation entirely.

Another fact that he was the one who needed to lower his head again to get attention was bothering him even further. Despite everyone kept telling him if he lived in an illusion, he knew if he was the one who wanted it more. 

“Nam Joohyuk. I really couldn’t deal with this at the moment.”

“There's no other time to deal with such things, Park Sora.”

“I’m working on a big case and in case you didn't notice Haejin _oppa_ is the owner of the company I’m working for.”

“You know if it isn’t as simple as a professional relationship.”

“Wasn’t it the same case for us? Otherwise, we wouldn’t even have this conversation.”

“We were bound to fight again right?”

Even he was tired of having the same arguments again and again. A bite on her lower labium, Joohyuk understood the significance of the gesture. Sora was hesitating to throw another biting remark and her gaze waver. It would be easy to manipulate her into getting what he wanted. 

But he wanted to get acknowledgement not playing a tricky mind game for a short winning. His orbs caught another missing piece. One that was supposed to be linked, but consistently being cut. His finger reached out, tracing the collarbone.

“Where is your necklace?”

“In my drawer.”

“Why?”

“I was serious when I said I wanted all of these to stop. I care about you but it feels unfair if it would just build useless expectations. To fulfil one, I need to be capable and I’m not.”

What should he do to pass the barrier? The more he tried, the higher the fence. He couldn’t climb any taller if his foundation was also starting to crumble. Sora didn’t flinch away, but the effort of not doing so pained him the same. 

“Did you forget the promises which you made when we were young?”

One was made on one birthday. Within whispered in the dark of beaten heart. The repetitive date of his bornday was filled with loneliness. At that time it hit the most, yet the words were the sweetest. Were those lies? Or sincerity could flee in the passing time?

“I made a lot of promises. Lots of empty ones even to my self. I’m sorry that I broke it. I really do.”

And amid the mess, his story was left forgotten.

***

Step

Step

Step

She didn’t realise before if the road from her apartment to the convenience store was this far. The initial work was absent-mindedly done. The night was deep and her brain was rotating in things which couldn’t be said out loud. Typical thinking under the moon, whispering with the wind for keeping the misery.

It was only after a creak of the stepped branch, she realised if she wasn’t alone. Too loud for a mere cat, too consciously accidental for a random nightwalker like her. Logically, she could just turn her head to confirm, but the probability of confronting wasn’t as easy as it would be replayed in her imagination.

Sora tried to walk faster without raising much suspicion. A hard thing to do, when her heartbeat raised and her head started to spin. This problem persisted for a long time. When she couldn’t decide whether she was unconsciously losing the grab of her mind or the danger did pass but she couldn’t recognise one.

“Oppa!”

It was her forehead which hit first, walking without looking. Though the scent surrounded her sensory, entering the awareness that she was shielded. For how long she pretended not to know that someone else’s heartbeat could calm her nerves? It took her a while to raise her head’s. Again… feigning that it was fine.

“Park Sora, I was on my way to pick you up. Why did it take you so long?”

“I decided to buy a lot of things.”

She pulled up the canvas bag, filled with different stationery and notebooks. Though, her eyes kept darting back to the side of the street. 

“Why?”

Both hands on her shoulder, slowly moving her body away

“I think someone is… Never mind.”

There was no proof yet. 

She had anxiety for quite a long time even before. Perhaps all of the scenarios started to inflate her paranoia. 

“What is it?”

“Let’s go inside first.”

Their apartment had good security with a receptionist and password wired to each unit just to enter the front door, but even then, she waited until they were on different floors to peeked outside. Feeling like someone from the movie for purposely stopping at one level below their spot. There wasn’t much to see from the beginning, but her eyes were still pinching, trying to make up a silhouette that wasn’t even there.

“I thought I was being followed, but maybe I was just being paranoid.”

“Maybe you really need to take out your hand on this cake.”

It was exactly the reaction that she expected from him. Either Park Haejin became too easy to be read, or it should be the normal reaction under the circumstances.

“I wouldn’t be the main target, _oppa_. Maybe we could use this to get more evidence. It’s still unsure too whether I was really being followed or not.”

“It is still dangerous.”

“I’ll take the chance.”

Sora was taking so many chances anyway. Trying to fly, while barely able to crawl.

***

The calm morning was turning into chaos within seconds. Haejin was about to get his first sip of caffeine, coaxing Sora to take a bite of the croissant with their early waking up call. It was… of course… a failure since the lass was just gulping the black liquid to keep herself awake and busy. How could anyone survive years living like that? It was still a mystery to him.

At the time like this, Haejin always thought that the success rate of the protecting action would be depending as much as the subject itself. He could be the best shield in the world, but if Sora decided to jump in front of the bullet on every occasion. One way or another she would get the hit.

It started with Lee Jongsuk throwing his tablet on the pantry table like anyone’s business. Which apparently... it was. Perhaps, he needed to talk to the lawyer on the flow of reporting. Making him as the first of contact for all the news rather than throwing it to the team without precaution.

Motion pictures, with a woman as the centre. Talking. It could be anything, really. Uploaded in the social platform for the public with the rising number of watchers. It was simple unless someone listened carefully to the dreadful messages spilling like water.

“She did, she really made the video.”

The soft murmur stopped his rail of thoughts faster than other things. Rather than radiating satisfaction like the newsbinger, he sensed a tint of anxiety. The lass next to him was still holding her breath for whatever reason that only she would know. Yet at that point, Haejin understood the tense behaviour. This wasn’t the result that she was expecting. Sora was trying to ride her own fear and projecting the worst.

“You probably convinced her after all the stakeout that we did.”

An act of kindness one would say and it was ridiculously so Park Sora that she was surprised that it could move anyone. It was almost like the girl itself never was comforted by the same means by others.

“What would happen after this?”

She was lost. And he made the silent promise to keep anchoring her.

“We wait.”

And in the meantime, Haejin would focus on lessening the blow towards the woman who was the most important for him.

***

The meeting came when she was less expecting. Two women, coming into the building without any reservation. It took her by surprise, not knowing that there was part of her brain who was wishing they would never come forward. Apprehending her own hidden rail of thought in such a way, wasn’t something that she liked to admit.

The usual bustling with life office turned cold and she became the gravity of the action. How to? Where to? 

“She’s fidgeting. Another keeps cleaning the table,” Sora murmured under her breath, more for the benefit of two of her partners who were sitting next to in both of her sides.

It was too crowded for her own liking, but she couldn’t be left alone as she might have missed things which were important for the court. It was frustrating to acknowledge her own shortcoming even when helping someone who was in the same boat as her.

Eye contact avoidance.

Shapeless clothes. On trying to be as unnoticeable as possible. 

Sora knew the signs all too well.

PTSD

Anxiety

Depression.

While it wasn’t right to spell it out loud without proper test and diagnosing, she could take all night long explaining exhibit by exhibit while putting it on show. Knowing wasn’t enough. It never was.

It’s hard to ground the flashback, even though she wasn’t fully able to do it.

It was their pain, not hers.

And for that, she should respect it rather than claiming it as her own.

_“Everyone will blame you, Park Sora.”_

_A caress. She shut her eyes, but the image was too vivid to be ignored._

_“It was your fault, after all, little Sora.”_

_She wasn’t supposed to answer. Not supposed to provoke. But not saying anything, wouldn’t it become a sign that all were legitimate?_

_“Sora... Sora… Park Sora.”_

“Park Sora.”

“I’m okay.”

Funny. It was always the first thing that she blurted out.

She wasn’t.

But she would grit her teeth and kept doing her job.

“You can talk about everything and I will help you to make sense of it. We don’t even need to start on that day if none of you is ready.”

Listening ears. It was something that she could offer freely. It was the least that anyone could do before asking them to take part in the fighting. Sure, any of them could talk about giving protection and support, but it was those girls who needed to put on the shoes then did the walk. 

“The world keeps turning and sometimes you are just left alone as a name.”

“It’s up to you to live as a victim or as a survivor. The differences would only matter to you.”

“One day, this case would be forgotten and while it’s good for some, it didn’t change the fact that we might still remember.”

“Don’t give him the power over your life. Don’t let him dictate how you will continue your life. Being miserable and hiding.”

“We will give you a chance and we will give you choices.”

They all talked in turn, giving reassurance as the post-consultation. The closing was made by Park Haejin, but Sora was sure that Jongsuk would share the same sentiment. After all, everyone in the office had the same principle on handling cases like this.

Whether it was enough or not, the victims were the one who had the upper hand on deciding.

***

“You were a hypocrite, Park Sora. Inside you could tell those girls that you would listen, but you, yourself, don't believe if anyone would listen to your story and understand.”

He caught the lass when the meeting finally ended. Upon the last hour, after finishing the confession itself, Sora asked to be left alone with the guests for quite some time. It was an illusion of privacy since the recording would still be going, each of the lawyers was too anxious on the possibility of missing something. 

The office was deserted after he sent everyone's out for lunch. It would be easier to avoid questions when there was nothing to be asked. Joohyuk came to him after one of the stakeouts to clue him in regarding the conversation. The lawyer didn’t demand any explanation out of respect, yet no such promises from other employees.

The sound didn’t carry through, but Haejin learnt to listen in the quiet. Standing in the corridor just for the sake of peeking into the mind of Park Sora. He was proud, but also about to lose his mind. If having a choice on his own, he would drag then sit on her until the case was resolved.

“How would you convince someone when you don't even believe in it.”

Haejin couldn’t understand why such gentle hands would soothe others but never be used for affirming oneself. It was like the act of pouring water from the empty cup. Breaking the back, offering pieces as the replacement. Would the giving be fulfilling? Or it was just another paradox of projecting healing? How would he see her point of view if it was concealed? 

“My personal experience isn’t supposed to affect them.”

“It’s not supposed to, but it’s a lie if you shove it under and pretend that it didn’t shape your judgment.”

“I should keep professional conduct.”

“You were raped for fuck sake, Park Sora. If you could comfort them, you are supposed to be able to let yourself be comforted.”

It was one thing that he wasn’t supposed to say, but it was a long due notice between them. After all, two who shared the same past would be strained without the effort of letting the facts up on the air. He was choked on hiding the verity while she was torn in the pretence of nothingness.

***

“How long have you been knowing about this?”

Sora didn’t recall how they moved from the meeting room to Haejin’s office room. Noticing from the coloured stack on the top of the wooden table. No matter how busy he was, the place was always neatly organised. Rewiring her brain in shock, Sora grabbed any familiar clue to climb out into reality. She was seated with black tea on her hand, which was completely useless since she could feel the chill in her bones.

Everything was blurry. Even the concerned yet upset face in which was half standing in front of her. Reading the emotional cue. For once, Park Haejin wasn’t sorry for what was said. It wasn’t the scenario which was prepared, but he was ready to talk.

Her mind worked fast trying to find the lining. Was it her who somehow slipped? All of their conversations, was there any trace of knowing which would put a whole different meaning on everything?

“My father was the solicitor for the will.”

“I remember that. He helped me a lot when I didn't understand any of the paper. Did he?”

Sora didn’t suspect anything at that time. She was barely there from the start. It was the beginning of winter. The numbing sensation was a thing that she blamed on the weather. When she realised if the snow wouldn’t be her favourite nature anymore. 3 days to settle every matter in Korea was too much for her. The lass was signing what needed to be signed, nodded at the appropriate time and tried to keep her mouth shut.

“But it was me who met him on the last day and was given the last signed will. My father was busy when he received a call from the bar, so he re-directed it to me.”

It was hard to concentrate, but a small part of her understood if she would be a coward if she chose to run rather than butting her head on it.

“Afterwards, the hospital had no one else to contact and I was the last person that he contacted in his phone’s record.”

She never actually knew what happened. A blank spot in the jigsaw of her memory. Another explanation that she didn’t know was needed.

_‘Forget and start a new life.’_

The only order that she had from the last will of her father.

“I met your father on his last day. I visited your house after taking your father from the bar. I didn’t expect the call. After you left, your father stopped talking to my parents too.”

The jumble of words. The line wasn’t straight, but at this point, Sora would grab anything to keep herself breathing. As funny as it looked like, she did. It was only their taunting fingers. Within the words that were spilling out, Haejin somehow weaved their hands together. For the sake of whom? No one could tell, but she was above the wave at least for now.

“I tried to cover it, telling if it was a heart attack to all the mourners. He was losing himself and everyone could see it, but I know if it was suicide with all the pills. With the fact that you weren’t even surprised during our call, I concluded if you were almost expecting it. The guilt nagged me, that perhaps I was supposed to spend the night, but we both know how meticulous your father was. It wouldn’t make any difference.”

It wasn’t a surprise, even with her broken mind, during that time, she knew what might happen. Sora was just hoping for a different result. A child’s wish that she couldn’t let go.

From all the things that her father loved. Her mother was the highest treasure. She was the laughter and the one who made the house felt like home. Losing the glue of the family was hard for everyone but it made him crumble to an ending.

“She chose suicide rather than staying with someone as dirty as me. And he chose to follow her rather than grieving with me. I hated her and I hated him, I have nothing left other than hating myself now.”

It came out. A long due confession from her own lips.

That she wasn’t the first priority and as much as she understood... It did hurt. 

If only her mother was a little bit stronger, but then, her only daughter was molested in front of her. Weakest, unable to raise a finger. Days after, seeing the little one screaming by the neverending nightmare. And for that, Sora forgave.

If only her father was a little bit more persistent, but then, who would be able to stand tall after losing two minds at the same time? He was angry, he was upset, he was alone and he was helpless. And for that, Sora forgave.

“You know it wasn’t your fault. During that night he told me everything. He didn’t blame you. He blamed himself.”

“The act wasn’t mine, but the damage that I inflicted couldn’t be ignored.”

It was always her, the beginning that resulted in an end. It sounded so self-centred. Thinking that even a little thing that she did could make a riot in the world. She had no one else to blame. After all, death took them all, even though they were the willing participants.

“Wasn’t it you who always says if someone needs to forgive herself in order to move on?”

The pat on her head and a reminder. He was warm and he was there. Haejin acted like the bonfire in the middle of winter. Blanketing. Grounding. But the woods couldn't stay in the fire for long. What would happen if she was left with another pile of ashes? How to enjoy something that had a clear expiry date? Knowing it wouldn’t last.

“Wouldn’t it be easier for you to manipulate me on choosing you if you drop this bomb from the start.”

“I don’t need another case of gratitude, Sora. I wouldn’t even lie if I were the only person who accepted your past.”

“You were referring to him. Then why didn't you tell Joohyuk about it too, _oppa_?”

“It was your story to share. “

“Not that you are afraid of his reaction might hurt me?”

A thing which she was afraid the most. For both of them. As a secret wasn’t exactly an admirable cause. Joohyuk portrayed her as a saint. One who had no mistakes and for that she was crushed even more as the illusion was so within the reach, yet unattainable. 

“I will tell you one more time, but Joohyuk would never hurt you like that. He might need more time to adjust, but he will accept you the way you are, Sora.”

It was beyond hilarious that even at this moment, Haejin was still advocating for others. He might be the end of the tunnel, but Sora kept telling herself that it would be unfair. Putting herself on the mind to use the man was something, actually doing it was another.

But oh… how she wanted it. Just finally leaning without guilt nagging on her heed.

“I’m here and always here. It will be your decision whether you want me to step towards you or even if you decide to come to me.”

“You were fighting with tricks. Once, I blamed you because you were not there, but I knew it was because I didn’t tell you so, feeling afraid of other repercussions, of you seeing me in a different way. It’s easier to conceal what I feel and pretend nothing ever happened.”

“You needed to grieve and you needed to let go Sora. You told those girls to fight, but you’ve been fighting for too long for an entirely wrong reason.”

“I passed all the classic five stages of grief. All the denials, anger, bargaining, sadness and acceptance. I know I can’t change anything, doesn’t mean I could fix myself just because I want it.”

“But you came back here because you seek something, right? It wasn’t a life that you can sustain for long.”

“The discomfort that I kept feeling is grief.”

She kept telling herself that. But her grief had turned into anger, directed inside, consumed her whole and left a void. The current Sora was ashes from broken remembrance.

“Have you ever done counselling yourself?”

“I did and I know all the tools. I just need time.”

“You have all the time in the world and no one was rushing you. Yet you know it was paused when you were trying to run from it.”

“What would be the limit to fix the crippled?”

***

“Will you leave me too?”

The question nearly broke him. The gate was open and it was something that he had been craving for, but the weight of the vulnerability hit him hard. Haejin thought he was ready, but he lost the trail of his words just from hearing such. Every part of his instinct was telling him to run away from the strong emotion, but he had got to stay to be the one who bore witness.

Once upon a time, she was a light. She was still, though battered and lit up almost on the last edge of the bare wax. The yearning of embracing her wasn’t just a compulsory courteous act. It was a compulsion for both to fathom if they finally existed in the same universe.

“Were you only nice to me because you knew?”

It would hurt her more to know the answer for this probe. She thought, even by camouflage, in front of everyone, she was an equal. Sora and her pride. A little that left and he tried to protect.

“Tell me if even once I ever looked at you with pity.”

Haejin never did. The bad episode happened, but it would be an insult to do so for someone who hung around for so long alone.

He saw the confusion in her eyes, her head in the silence was a scary place. The more she spent inside, the more it gave her more angles to doubt.

“I saw things clearly, Park Sora and that’s why I fell in love with you. Yes, in the beginning, I wanted to see how far you could cope up with everything and vowed only to protect you. I thought you would be bitter, I thought you would blame how unfair everything is. But I saw your very first step. You were afraid of wanting, but you did it.”

The lad fell without trying. It would be easy to weep for tragedy. If Sora would just be angry with the world and ask for breaks. She had reasons and being sad would compromise many things. It would be easy for him to dismiss if she came back spoilt. If she thought the world owed her after all that happened.

His Sora was tough, though it would only take one hit to be crushed. Battered and scarred, she was beautiful, though she hid in lies trying to be invincible. The effort upon failures, rather than excuses spitting from the lips.

“I started to notice the first time you grab my hand on your own. The first time you let me hug you. It was the small thing that I wouldn’t put any special meaning from anyone else, but it’s you and it held more.”

If it was an assurance that she needed, he would give it over and over. He had lots and he had more.

“I want you to be able to stand proudly by yourself, and it doesn’t matter if you would never take a step toward me. I will be the one who is waiting, I will be the one who is walking to you when you are ready. One step at the time.”

“I wish you wouldn’t know. It would give me an illusion of safety.”

“It didn’t work out with Joohyuk by doing so too. Sometimes the world didn’t change even if we found the truth. We aren’t trying to compensate for each other like a criminal.”

“I would be a villain again if I’m repeating the same thing to you. It’s madness if we expect different results.

“You still don’t understand, Park Sora. My feelings and my action towards you are entirely my responsibility. It’s the same thing with your parents. Stop taking responsibility for the things that you can’t control.”

“Then what other reason to live if not for paying back my sin? Or was I just dancing on my parent’s graves, trying to prove that I could pay back the selfishness of their death by living well?”

“You survive, so you need to live day by day, trying hard to be happy. And this time, it would be for yourself.”

And the desperation, after all, killed them in silence and awestruck when it was out with words.


End file.
